Eli Harwood - Raising Securely Attached Kids

ManTalks Podcast

Connor Beaton

Relationships, Education, Society & Culture, Self-improvement, Health & Fitness, Mental Health

4.8 • 591 Ratings

🗓️ 2 September 2024

⏱️ 50 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Talking points: parenting, attachment, mindset, psychology, neurology The internet behaved badly in this episode, but Eli is so knowledgeable and thorough I had to put this up! The Attachment Nerd herself brought a TON of info and practical tips for parents this week. Strongly encourage you to listen to this with other parents. I certainly learned a lot. Her new book comes out Sept. 3rd; go pick it up! (00:00:00) - What is reflective functioning, and when does that start developing? (00:06:58) - How does a parent support a child who’s still developing that reflective functioning? (00:12:58) - The problem with treating kids as little adults, and why we do it (00:20:44) - How to tell if you’re raising a securely attached kid; 4 simple tips (00:32:05) - The importance of presence and support over adult logic, and on staying grounded (00:40:18) - How to foster discipline AND self-esteem in your kids Eli Harood, known as Attachment Nerd on social media, is a licensed therapist, bestselling author, and highly sought-after educator who has more than 17 years of experience helping people process relational traumas and develop secure connections with their children. Her life’s mission is to help make the world a better place one relationship at a time. In addition to her clinical work, Harwood also offers online courses and in-person retreats to help individuals better understand their attachment styles and build stronger bonds. She has also served as a faculty member at The Denver Family Institute and is the author of “Securely Attached.” Eli has three children, one husband, two cats, and an extraordinary number of plants. Connect with Eli -Website: https://attachmentnerd.com -Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/ -Book: Raising Securely Attached Kids: https://attachmentnerd.com/books/raising-securely-attached-kids -TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd *** This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Find a therapist who can help empower you through the tough times and cultivate your best self. Visit BetterHelp.com/mantalks today to get 10% off your first month. Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance. Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	All right. Welcome to the show. How are you doing today? I'm good. How are you?
0:11.8	Very good. Very good. We are going to start with what is reflective functioning. What's reflective functioning? Can you outline that for us in the role
0:22.4	that it plays in development? It's one of my favorite nerdy realities in all of science. So
0:28.5	reflective functioning is the term that scientists have come up with to describe a person's ability
0:34.5	to look at the why underneath the what. Here's what I mean. So let's say that you
0:40.9	are engaging in a relationship dynamic and your child is talking back. They're mad and they're
0:47.5	pushing back on something. A parent's reflective functioning is their ability to think about these two
0:52.9	things. Why might my child be doing that?
0:56.9	And looking at it from a complex lens of care and need, like maybe they haven't had their nap or
1:04.2	they haven't had any food or I haven't done a good job setting this boundary. Sometimes I let them do
1:09.9	this. Sometimes I don't.
1:17.3	Right. So I'm thinking about why is my child acting in a certain way? And I'm going to reflect on my reaction. So if my child pushes back and I have a really strong fear reaction, I'm going to be able to go,
1:25.0	hmm, what is it in my past, in my life, in my wiring that's causing me to have such a fear of my child's anger or pushback?
1:33.2	Or I might think I'm just really pissed in response.
1:37.9	What's that about?
1:38.6	Well, I was taught growing up that if a child doesn't do what you tell them right away, they're being defiant and disrespectful.
1:46.3	And so that's what's going on in me. And then I can pause and be like, wait a minute,
1:49.8	is my two and a half year old really being disrespectful? Do they even have the brain capacity for that?
1:54.2	Probably not. Okay. And when we have this capacity where we can reflect and we have a high
2:00.6	functioning capacity for reflection, that means that we have this capacity where we can reflect and we have a high functioning capacity
2:02.0	for reflection, that means that we have pretty good access to a part of our brain that keeps
2:06.6	us calm and rational. So when we're in moments, especially in relationships, where things
	...

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