Alright guys, what up this is Lisa Bidley and you're listening to Women of Impact.

Welcome back to part 2 of this deep freaking combo with my badass homie that just got to force in her 40s and she finally declared that she can now live her life on her turns. I'm talking about none other than Patrice Washington. Now we keep digging into the nitty-gritty of how Patrice actually went from staying in a marriage that wasn't serving her after 19 years to finally having the bravery and courage and confidence to speak up, do the work and change her situation once and for. Now we talk about the top reasons why women stay in unhappy relationships and how to actually reframe them, detach from previous versions of yourself and actually step into the person that you've always wanted to be. She then discusses how to approach dating so you don't make the same mistakes in choosing a partner again and again from the person that you just try to leave, because now you're just in the toxic cycle which you don't want to have. So let's dive in right now. I'm Lisa Bilyu. This is Women of Impact. I did a Google search and I just Google search what are the reasons why people stay? Oh. And I'd love to hear your feedback, whether you experience them or not. Are you ready? Yeah. So the fear of regretting leaving, you said that earlier. What do we do when we're in the moment where we think, okay, I wanna leave, I've done the work, I know why. But what if in a year from now, what if in two years from now, I regret it? Well, Emma's will not leave then. So did you ever have the worry of the regret? Even at the beginning before you finally got divorced? I mean, if I'm honest, I never... It wasn't fear of regret for me. It was really surrounding my daughter because I didn't grow up with my father in the home. I didn't know many people who grew up with their fathers in the home. And my dream was to always get my daughter, you know, two and through college as a family, as a family unit. And so I had doubts about whether she could take it, like how it would impact her earlier on, but then as the more she matured and grew, and like I'm having conversations with her, I'm also like this chick is tough, right? Like just her natural kind of resilience was already built. I mean, she's the one who taught me to speak up. Remember? So by this time, I was more confident that she was old enough to be okay, but that fear of regret, I remember tough conversations with myself in the prayer room. So I remember coming to the conclusion that I was more afraid and staying in something that didn't serve me than I was afraid of the unknown. There's a lot of fear of the unknown. And so we we again go through all the what ifs, what if this and what if that. And so one of those might be like, well, what if I never get married again? What is is, but you also won't be in a marriage that doesn't serve you, right? It's like, so stay married and know that you're not being honored and treated the way that you want. Like, I'd rather take my chances in the wild than stay here, right, and allow my religion and my spirituality and like my beliefs to be weaponized in a way that keeps me like contained. You know what I'm saying? And so there was just like, I do that. What is that what is versus what is exercise? I tell my clients all the time. I do it all the time. When things come up and I start to get in my head, list it all out. So, well, what if the kids are upset? But what is is you get to show them that they have the power to be resilient. They have the power to start over. They have the power to create a life that fulfills them. Because truly what they're seeing now, because kids are really smart. My ex and I didn't argue, we weren't having like blowouts. Well, let me be clear. We still look like a very loving family and we were, but I also knew that there were other things that were happening in the background, but we still had a very beautiful presentation. You know, so my daughter was an experiencing arguing and fighting, endorse,mming and all this. She never experienced any of that. She had never even seen us argue. We didn't argue. We would talk. We would have disagreements, but we didn't argue and have all this stuff. But I feared as my daughter started getting older that if I didn't do something different, I would model for her that certain things were acceptable,

whether she consciously knew it or not.

Well, kids is the, obviously, definitely on this list

that people are worried about breaking up

and the amount of people that do stay

in relationships for the kids.

And I know a couple of couples

where it was almost like a ticking time bomb

that they were just waiting for the kid to leave

so that they could get divorced. And most kids will say, I wish my parents would just get divorced. That's what kids are actually saying. I'm very close to my daughter's friend group and I'm the mom that people always want to come and talk to and hang out with and all that stuff. And I hear it. Their parents think that they're hiding something from them and doing a poor job at it, right? And the kids wish the parents would just do something different. It was about, it was around November of last year. My daughter sent a screenshot of something that she had posted on Snapchat. She was at home sick and we were on a trip. My partner and I, and we sent her a bunch of like, good, well stuff. And then her dad and his partner, like we're taking care of her. And she put a screenshot on Snapchat and it says something like, it's so good to see both my parents genuinely happy. And I love both of their significant others. So meanwhile, I could have stayed and been going on and on and on, but the best thing for her is to see both of us, genuinely happy, right? Because when we liberate ourselves, we liberate others. And even though I was the one who had to say the thing and bring it up, he's now also in a relationship with his significant other. I adore. I think she is wonderful. I'm so grateful. My daughter has another woman in her life that treats her so well and can be such a great sounding board. My partner, so grateful that she has another good man in her life who could be an example of how a woman can be loved and should be loved and should be nurtured in all of those things. So sometimes we're saying we're staying for the kids. The best thing I could have done for Reagan was initiate this so that she could see both her parents thriving in a different way. While we never looked like a big, a bad thing, she would tell me that she felt like we were just not aligned. She would ask me questions when she was little. How did you guys get together again? She could see it even though she wasn't seeing anything. And what's that teaching her when she grows up and finds somebody's like, oh, this is what my mom's like and my mom and dad, so this must be normal. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. And again, so we normalize, romanticize, we intellectualize, we overspiritualize the scenarios thinking that we're doing, you know, the right thing, but sometimes we're doing more harm than good. And I grew up with a best friend whose parents walked by each other the whole time and did not speak.

And we knew how to sit at the table and have separate conversations with both of them. And along with them, I learned. I knew I would go over there all the time. So I knew even when I got married, they both sent me messages separately and said, send me my own invitation to the wedding. Right? kids were gone and they were still in this practice of silent treatment and stone walling and not speaking to each other and all the things. And when we were younger, I mean, we were in middle school and I remember all the kids just being like, what they just hang it up already? They just hang it up already. Like why do, so the kids know, we're really doing more harm than good. And I really feel as we go on, we're in a generation now where our kids are exposed to so much, you might as well just be honest. You might as well be honest and take them on the journey at whatever age and level they are and do your best to just explain in their language for their age like what it means to you know choose what's going to be best and people here choose yourself and think that is selfish again when you liberate yourself you yourself, you liberate everyone, me being radically honest, allow him to be radically honest. I think that people, I've really tried to assess why the hell people think that doing self-care means you're selfish because it is completely the opposite. So it's just like, okay, if I know and believe truly that it's the opposite, why the hell is this a belief system that is very prominent? A lot of people think that. And I think it becomes that you've lived your entire life serving other people. And so for you to feel valued and valuable, you have to be dogmatic in the idea that you give yourself over to other people. And that's what selfless looks like. And if you think about yourself, then it's selfish. And you've lived your whole life with that belief

that you have to push it on other people. Other ways you have to start to look at your life and go, oh my God, should I have been put in myself first this whole time? And so I almost have graced for the people that don't quite see it yet. Yeah. And that's how I've repirited that word selfish because I think it is so important to your point that you've got to take care of yourself first.

And when we're putting so many people, including your kids, and I don't have children. pivoted that word selfish because I think it is so important to your point that you've got to take care of yourself first.

And when we're putting so many people, including your kids and I don't have children, if you were putting your children first, and I know my mum watches this show so I'm actually speaking to her, if you put your children first, you're never going to take care of yourself. What is that teaching your children? They're only going to be children for so long. going to be adults longer than they are children. And so they need to learn the practices. They need to learn. One of my favorite things is to come into my bathroom. And Reagan is soaking in the tub. She's gone mute. Now, I say favorite, although it annoys me in the moment, right? I'm like, what are you doing in my bathroom again, right? But I love that she will spend an hour taking a bath, loving on herself, playing music, just, you know, lathering up, putting all the oils in the butters and all the things and then she, you know, wash her hair and she's like, smell my hair and it amazing. Isn't it just saw? Isn't it? And I'm like, yes. Have that as a practice. Learn to like take care of yourself. The best thing that I can do for her is model these things. I cannot tell her. It is not enough to just say, do as I said, and not as I do. No, those days are over. We have to model it. So because she sees me nurturing myself, taking care of myself, working out, eating the way that I do, like going to these different practices, like going to retreats, leading women's retreats, like doing all these things, it's already in her that this is a way of life versus many of us have discovered these things. And we're well into our 30s and 40s.

But the way that I see her navigate life with such wisdom at 16, it's because these things have just been sprinkles and seeds that have been planted along the way. And I have told her for many years when other parents in her elementary school were kind of trying to make us feel bad because I was on book tours and I was gone and they wanted me to be a room parent where you like bake the cookies and all that and I'm like, I can pick cookies up at public. I'm the way it is. It's not my ministry. They're like, well, someone sells mom bakes. Okay, well, Reagan's mom writes books. Both are valid.

Both have a place. You will not shame me and make me feel bad because I'm not the one that wants to bake cookies. I write books. I serve people in a different way. And I would tell Reagan when she was very little, as much as I am called to be your mom, I'm still called to be America's Money May then, which is what I went by at that time. and both of these personalities and identities can exist.

They can coexist beautifully, but I won't shame one over the other. So also being someone who would turn down things because it might interrupt parenting time or things that I wouldn't do. So I was willing to lose up both sides. I didn't have that terminology yet, but I was willing to lose other moms validation and the teachers who would say little things and make comments about why I was traveling or why I was gone and this and that. And then also, you know, in other parts of my life, professionally, I would lost out on some deals and I say lost out loosely because I didn't lose anything but I said no to certain things when she was different ages because that was my priority in that season. I applaud you so much because so many people in that moment where it's like you're writing books, you're really focused on your career, you're love your child, you're making all these sacrifices and this mother comes along and says, well you know, baking. Most women would now fill the shame, fill the guilt, go and bake cookies, stay up to 1 a.m. hate their lives, show up angry, show up miserable, show up, you know, agitated because now they feel like they have to do everything. And so I want to really take a moment to applaud you on being able to set that boundary. Now you actually speak about the fact that you were known as a money maveram.

Well finances, let's talk about that. That's a big thing of why people are fearful of moving, especially or divorcing. Especially if you've built, let's say, your potential wealth together, if or if you're a stay-at-home wife, and maybe you haven't, and now things are in his name, and he's bringing him the money.

So you obviously would just about all

entrepreneur making your money.

How did you navigate the idea of finances in a divorce and anyone listening? How would you advise that they do not or maybe you don't advise this but don't hold back and stay in a bad relationship just because of the finances? I had to reconcile this for myself is the same way I did when I lost everything the first time and it was time to rebuild because of the economy because of the economy. So when the recession happened 2008, I was in real estate. And so that seven figure business, as you know, turned into me literally scraping up change. I lost everything home foreclose cars repossessed all the things 10 weeks on hospital bed rest or racked up a big medical bill for $400,000. $400,000 in having Reagan. So so all the things right. And this time around what I said to myself is, if you did it before, you could do it again. That's what I said that first time, and this is what I said this time. And the other thing that I said this time was, reminding myself, Patrice, you are creator. You're a creator. You may have to give out a lot, but you also will be able to create, again, I'm a walking contradiction anyway, right? I could lean into, oh my gosh, this is going to implode everything that I've built and I'm losing half of my net worth in some respects a little more. And I could go down that path and I did, those things happen. I did lose half of my net worth. I did lose a lot of, I would say, the financial wealth that I created, that my business generated and created, but it was also a reminder for me, my business generated and created it. So just do the things, take care of business, getting those things squared away. And then when you move forward, now it's all yours. And that's really kind of just told yourself, like I can do it again, I've done it once,

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