Do you hear that siren?

I'm recording in my studio in New York City and there's an active siren outside.

And actually, oddly enough, that really relates

to the topic I want to talk to you about shame. Okay, I know what you're thinking. What? Shame,

a siren? Here's why this matters. Shame in our kids has to activate a siren inside of ourselves. We have to develop the ability to recognize

when shame is present. Because when we see shame, the truth is, our whole intervention has to

change, at least it has to change if we want to be effective

and not get into a power struggle or an explosive argument with our kid.

And so the fact that this episode just began with a siren is kind of perfect.

When there's a siren, everything else changes.

If there's an ambulance on the street, we might have to go a different way.

We might not get the most direct route, but that siren takes precedence. We respect it.

Shame is really powerful. And in today's episode, I'm going to define what I mean by shame.

I might even clarify what? My kid already feels shame. They're so young. We'll get

into all of that. And I want to help you become a better shame detector to recognize this

siren when it exists because I promise you it's going to make you such a more effective parent.

I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. We'll be back right after this. When it comes to shame, some kids feel things deeper, more intensely and for longer than other

kids. For these kids, shame

sits so close to vulnerability that they reject you. They even yell, I hate you, go away,

when you try to connect to them or to their feelings. If this is your kid, no, you're not making it up.

Their meltdowns are more explosive.

It does take longer for these kids to calm down. I call these kids deeply feeling kids.

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