Welcome. Welcome, one and all. To the late show, I'm your host, Steve and Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen.

How's everybody doing tonight?

I don't know why. The world is upside down. We're shooting balloons down with million-dollar missiles.

We got toxic runoff in our rivers, and the top form of entertainment is watching a coked-up bear commit murders.

Thanks. Thanks to climate change this weekend, Los Angeles got a big old snowstorm and not just way up in the mountains,

even the Hollywood sign got dusted with snow. California kids made snowbrows. Look how cute that is.

But then again, California deserved to have some fun, because I believe California's only other weather option is fire.

I was actually in Los Angeles this weekend. I'm not going to say why. I'll just say in a totally unrelated story, this Thursday, my guest will be Mr. Steven Spielberg right over there.

Spielberg. No big deal. Just Steven Spielberg. What are you going to do?

Actually, while I was out there, I also went to the Producer's Guild Award, and when I was backstage, this is true. I met Tom Cruise for the first time.

He's normal height.

Here's the thing. The moment he shook my hand, I gained the ability to fly an airplane.

I don't know how he did it. I don't know why he did it, but Tom, if you're watching, thank you.

Talk to me, Goose. Now, here's another surprising development this weekend.

The Department of Energy released a new report saying a lab leak is the most likely origin of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Well, there it is. Chinese wet markets, you're off the hook.

Let's order a round of pangolin poppers for the table. I love a nice plate of wet apps.

Can we get some civet fingers, please?

Now, if like me, you're wondering why the Department of Energy is the one making this judgment.

It's because that agency oversees a network of U.S. national laboratories, some of which conduct advanced biological research.

No. No. Bad energy department. No bio labs until you finish building your electric car charging stations.

Stay in your lane. You don't see, you don't see, you don't see, you don't see the census bureau building nukes.

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