D01: The Derfect Crime

Mission To Zyxx

Comedy, Science Fiction, Improv, Comedy Fiction, Fiction, Arts

4.8 • 3.9K Ratings

🗓️ 3 December 2025

⏱️ 41 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Okay let’s see here. Episode descripsh. Something like: Oh hey it’s me, Old Derf! Sure, you know me as an elderly space wizard with the mysterious power of resurrection, a resume stacked with entry level jobs, and a talent for juckin’ around. But would you believe there was once a time when I was slightly LESS old, when my powers were just coming into focus, when I got pulled into adventure after adventure? It’s true! So buckle your space belts and settle in for the first installment of my MEMOIR, The Young Old Derf Chronicles. Here we go!

Transcript

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0:00.0	Okay, I see, there's a little red light on here. Does that mean it's recording?
0:05.9	Yes, yes. Now you just talk into it.
0:08.7	Oh, that's nice. Red light's very nice. Red light means stop, but in this case it means talk.
0:12.7	Uh, sure.
0:13.5	Okay, uh, let me just talk. I'll just talk it out. That's what they say.
0:19.1	DERF is my name. And DERF is actually my game. But who is DERF?
0:25.7	I'm an adventurer, uh, Zima warrior, commander and conduit of the space. Uh, but most of all,
0:34.5	I'm a sweetie pie.
0:35.4	Excuse me, sir. You are recording... Sorry, you're interrupting a very important memoir. You're recording memoir in my shop? Well, I'm going to wander around, do it, chuck around while I do it. I want to take people there. That's why I'm doing an audio memoir. Anybody can write stuff down. I'm not a cave man. That paper recorder cost a 34 crude. I don't
0:56.0	have that. How about this? I'll pay
0:58.1	you in a tail.
1:00.5	I'll pay you in a tail. A tale
1:02.0	of dirt. Not remotely worth it for me.
1:04.3	I don't think. This is a
1:06.0	memory. Money can't buy a memory.
1:08.1	No, money cannot buy a memory and memories
1:10.2	cannot buy a 34 crew paper recorder. You know what? Fine. You know what, money can't buy a memory. No, money cannot buy a memory, and memories cannot buy a 34 crude paper coaster.
1:13.0	You know what?
1:13.7	Fine.
1:14.3	You know what sucks here?
1:15.6	Your ambient music, it's bad.
1:18.1	So I'll see you later, and I'm not paying for...
	...

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