We speak a lot on this show about how to provide the best care to our loved ones as they age – but today, we’re going to talk about how to provide the best care to the caregiver. Being a caregiver for our parents, spouses, or grandparents can be immensely rewarding – but it comes with its own unique sets of challenges.

The responsibilities of a family caregiver often grow over time – and as we work to nurture and tend to our loved one, we might lose time for ourselves. We not only need time to engage in life outside of our loved one’s daily routine, but we also need to be able to tend to our own feelings. Watching those we love decline is devastating – and it’s essential to have the space to feel what we need to, so we aren’t holding everything in.

According to AARP, almost 42 million Americans in the US are caregivers – and the majority of those are unpaid. For most older adults, receiving care from a family member is the best option – both financially and emotionally. Unpaid caregiving, though, comes with other sacrifices – largely for the caregiver.

Many are forced to balance tending to their loved one with their career, raising families of their own, and a stack of other responsibilities. Some family members are forced to leave their own home behind to move in with an aging parent or make room in their own busy household for their parent to move in with them. There’s no doubt that this can be a wonderful experience for many families, who feel that the bonds they are creating with their loved ones are stronger than ever.

Still, the emotional strain, sacrifices, and the seemingly endless responsibilities and challenges, can make the experience exceedingly difficult for a caregiver who is not receiving the support and care they need for themselves. When a caregiver is cared for, they will find more reward and less stress in the whole experience. They will also be in a better place to tend to their loved one.

First of all, in the days that caregiving seems especially difficult – maybe your parent has regressed, or you were late to a meeting because your parent’s doctor appointment ran late, maybe your parent was tired and angry today, and maybe you were too – remember that you are providing your loved one an incredible service. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t take some time to care for yourself.

You might feel that to take time away from your parent to focus on yourself seems selfish or unnecessary. Let me be the first to say – it’s the most selfless thing you can do. When you are in the best shape possible, your loved one’s care will be that much better.

Now, you might be wondering why you should focus on yourself. According to a study by the University of Netherlands, “family members who provide 20 hours of caregiver support or more a week report increased depression and psychological distress, impaired self-care, and worse self-reported health.” At the same time, “more than half of caregivers say a decline in their health affects their ability to provide care.”

It can be devastating to watch our loved ones decline, and as they do, we might feel we are declining alongside them. Neglected feelings of sadness and stress get steadily worse as our loved one’s health does – and our ability to care gets worse just when our loved one needs it more than ever.

In a survey by SCAN Health Plan, 54% of caregivers “feel guilty about taking a break from their caregiving tasks to make time for themselves,” but when they do take that time, they end up providing better care than they would have without it. Why? Because they feel rested, energized, and in a healthy enough head space to handle any unexpected challenges or difficulties.

Not only does caring for yourself matter in terms of the care you can provide – but it also matters in terms of your own physical health. According to caregiver.org, “estimates show that between 40 to 70% of caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression, with approximately one quarter to one half of these caregivers meeting the diagnostic criteria for major depression…depressed caregivers are more likely to have coexisting anxiety disorders, substance abuse or dependence, and chronic disease.”

In addition, “about one in ten (11%) caregivers report that caregiving has caused their physical health to get worse. Caregivers have lower levels of subjective well-being and physical health than non-caregivers.”

Still, when we get the support we need, we can combat these issues and risks once and for all. Let’s start by asking ourselves a series of questions, in order to analyze our own health and needs.

Have you ever neglected your own self care for fear of being selfish?

 

Are you hesitant to put yourself first?

 

Do you have trouble asking for help?

 

Do you ever delegate certain tasks?

 

When is the last time you did something for yourself?

 

Do you feel supported?

 

Do you have friends or family members to talk to?

 

How do you cope with stressful situations?

 

What is causing you the most stress?

 

Establishing a solid support system is the first critical step to taking care of yourself. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, you might be suppressing emotions that will build up over time. Just having a friend to vent to or a spouse whose shoulder you can cry on can make an enormous difference. Emotional release is necessary and important. Without it, you just might become depressed or intensely overwhelmed.

If you don’t have a friend or family member to lean on from time to time, think about joining a caregiver support group. Now offered over Zoom due to the pandemic, these groups can provide you with an outlet for your emotions, as well as a community of other caregivers to share their insight and support. A support group is a safe place to ask questions, express frustration, and even get some helpful care tips from others who have been in your shoes.

In addition to support groups, counseling and therapy services are available to caregivers. If you just need a space to vent, but aren’t interested in group therapy, consider one on one therapy. There are counselors who specialize in caregiver support who will provide a setting in which to vent, cry, or even shout in anger. Your therapist will be able to provide you with tools you can use to get through stressful moments and handle tough feelings. Look into your hometown’s resources to see if there are free or low-income therapy services available to you.

Finally, look through your contacts to see if there are others in your life facing a similar situation. Do you have a friend with aging parents? A colleague who had to go down to part time to care for their loved one? Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask someone to coffee. Building friendships with people already in your life who have faced similar challenges can be extremely rewarding. It’s amazing how a cup of coffee and a vent session can change a whole day for the better. During the pandemic, consider Zoom meetings over coffee, which can be just as effective.

In addition to finding a support system, it’s also important to find someone to help. You might feel guilty asking for help. After all, this is your parent, and you are supposed to be able to provide them with everything they need, right? The truth is, though, this is an extremely difficult job. And when we’re balancing it with the rest of our lives – there are days and even weeks when it can all feel like too much. We cannot be everything for everyone – and delegating certain tasks can make a huge difference.

Whether delegating means asking another family member to help clean the house, having a spouse drive the kids to school, or even having our loved one’s friends stop by to socialize with our loved one so we can take a nap – do it. The smallest things can make the biggest difference.

If we are trying to balance everything, dire mistakes can happen. We might give the wrong dosage of meds to our parent because we were trying to help our child with their homework at the same time. We might forget about a doctor appointment because we are trying to balance too many other things. When we ask for help, we are creating a safer environment for ourselves and our loved ones – to assure they are receiving the best possible care.  

Remember – help is never something you need to feel guilty for needing. We are all human – and when we are faced with such an exhausting and challenging task, we just need some assistance to get everything done. When we are not having to balance everything, we can focus on what really matters.

If friends or family are not available to help, considering hiring someone to keep up with some other duties. Whether hiring a housekeeper to stop by once a week for deep cleaning, paying for a meal kit service to save you a few trips to the grocery store, or having someone tend to the garden – this can be well worth the expense, especially when you are saving money by being the primary caregiver for your family member. You can find inexpensive helpers on TaskRabbit, or by looking through your community resources. There are also volunteer programs available in many communities, where someone will come to help around the house or with your loved one while you take a much-needed break.

In addition to getting help and finding support, make sure to cut in time for breaks. This doesn’t have to mean a two hour break every day to go the movies or grab lunch. It can be as simple as short, 5-minute moments to yourself, where you listen to a favorite song or make a gratitude list of what you’re thankful for. You can drink a glass of water, perform guided meditation from an app like Calm, do some stretches, or go on a quick walk. These short breaks can help you to feel revitalized, energized, and calmed.

In addition to the short breaks, find time for yourself at least once a week for a longer one. Take a few hours on a Saturday to go for a hike or read a book, socialize with friends or work on a hobby. You don’t need to ask for permission to take breaks – you just need to do it. If you feel guilty, do it anyway. The fact is, you’ll feel a lot more guilty if you have an emotional outburst due to penned up emotions or miss a medication dosage due to exhaustion. Taking breaks is absolutely essential.

Finally, it’s important to learn how to manage stress. Think about what parts of the care make you the most stressed. Is it handling the medications? Trying to balance the schedule? Running errands? When you make a list of what is causing you stress, you can determine the best ways to alleviate that stress.

If you struggle with medications, it can be a huge help to highly organize the medicine cabinet and prescriptions, to make sure that everything is laid out and never missed. To learn more about organizing medications, listen to our episode on medication safety for seniors. Organization and routine can help to make this aspect of caregiving feel a lot more manageable.

If you struggle to find time for errands, delegate, delegate, delegate. That could mean asking a friend or family member, but it also might be getting Amazon delivery for groceries or using apps like Instacart. There are so many resources available to us in 2021, and if it will help our mental health, it’s well worth it to take advantage of them.

If you are stressed about helping your parent dress or bathe, consider playing soft, relaxing music while you perform these tasks, so your mind can feel calmer and focused on something else at the same time. It can be hard to help our parents with anything that feels embarrassing, but if we can find a way to remain calm and relaxed, we will feel much better.

If we are stressed because we feel unstimulated, think about games or movies we can engage with alongside our loved one. Filling our day with stimulating activities will help them as much as it will help ourselves – because the truth is, some of these days can feel rather long and endless. If we fill them with engaging and meaningful activities – like movies, games, or crafts – we will feel a lot more fulfilled, and so will our loved one.

When you are taking breaks, accepting help, and have a solid support system in place – you’ll find that life in itself is much easier to manage. You will be in a better place to care for your loved one because you will be feeling stronger, healthier, and far more rested. I cannot emphasize enough just how much these simple methods of self-care can help a caregiver.

If you are not a caregiver but have a caregiver in your life that you want to support, there are many things you can do to help them. From yard work to dropping off pre-cooked dinners, any little kindness will go a long way for a friend or family member caring for a loved one.

Be prepared for the caregiver in your life to refuse help the first few times you ask. As we’ve mentioned, it’s hard for a caregiver to accept that they need assistance – feelings of guilt and inadequacy tend to come up and a caregiver would likely rather do something themselves if they think they are capable (or even if they don’t). Because of this, it’s important that you don’t stop asking. Be persistent. You just might find that after enough gentle reminders that you’re available, they might be ready to take you up on it after some careful thought (and when they know you really mean it, and this isn’t a burden to you).

When asking a caregiver how you can help them, be as specific as possible. Refrain from just saying “do you need help?” or “what can I do?” Instead try, “lasagna or salad for dinner? I’m buying” or “I’m headed to the dry cleaner’s, what can I take with me?” Offering to help with specific errands will be so appreciated, and you’re making it even easier on your friend by not making them come up with a list of what they need assistance with.

In addition to helping a caregiver with daily tasks, offer to be their ear whenever they need one. Bring cups of coffee and conversation when you drop off the groceries. You can even bring a board game or movie to watch. Your friend might feel like a burden and not want to ask for socialization – but if you’re already present and can prove that there’s nowhere you’d rather be, they will be happy for the time spent with a friend. If they don’t want to talk about what they’re going through, don’t push it, but be ready to listen and offer support if they do.

Whether you’re a caregiver yourself or you are hoping to support a friend or family member who is, knowing how to decrease stress, increase stimulation, and delegate tasks is enormous. Caregiving should be an incredibly rewarding experience – and the easier we make it on ourselves, the more meaningful it will be for all of us.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone is who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

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Sources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5513610/#:~:text=A%20caregiver%20is%20an%20individual,for%20a%20person%20in%20need.&text=As%20is%20the%20case%20for,and%20they%20are%20usually%20unpaid.

 

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