It’s no secret that being a caregiver comes with its challenges – and sacrifices. For many people embarking on this new journey, the massive pressures can come as a bit of a shock. If you’re thinking of becoming a caregiver, but are still on the fence, it’s important to know what to expect before you make a permanent decision. That way, you can know whether becoming a family caregiver really is the best decision for you and your loved one.

More and more people are choosing to become family caregivers. According to a study by the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College, about 17 percent of adult children end up caring for their parents at some point in their lives. The reasons are endless. Some people choose to become caregivers to avoid paying the hefty fees for assisted living or nursing homes. Others want to help their loved one be in a position where they can stay home. Others still want to spend the extra time with their parent – keen on caring for the person who once cared for them. 

Regardless of the reason you’re thinking about becoming a caregiver, it’s important to know that you will have to make sacrifices. As much as we might wish otherwise, it’s simply impossible to care for our parents while working forty plus hours a week and handling the rest of our responsibilities at home. Now, that’s not to say that you can’t work, it’s just to say that you might need to make adjustments to your schedule, or delegate some errands and other help in order to find that balance. But we’ll dive into more concrete tips later on. 

Today is all about caregiver sacrifices. To learn more about the everyday stresses of caregiving – and how to cope – check out our episode on Caring for the Caregiver. We’ve also got a quick tip episode for caregivers that can help you understand what to expect in the day to day.

On this episode, though, we decided to focus on the sacrifices, especially the ones that might come as a surprise. See, we hear all too often that new caregivers simply didn’t know all the sacrifices that come with caring for a loved one. Again, understanding the sacrifices is key to helping you make an informed decision about whether or not this is the right step for you.

Before we get started, I just want to take a minute to acknowledge how, in spite of the sacrifices, caregiving is immensely rewarding and incredibly important. You’ll be making an enormous difference in your loved one’s life, and you’ll get to be there for all the most precious moments with your Mom or Dad. Still, unexpected sacrifices can make those rewarding moments a little more tainted. So, the more you’re aware of in advance, the better you can prepare for what’s ahead, so when you’re in the moment you can actually be in the moment.

Perhaps the greatest sacrifice a caregiver can make is a life free of intense levels of stress and pressure. According to AARP, 36% of family caregivers believe their situation is highly stressful. It makes sense. A survey by the Associated Press and the NORC Center for Public Affairs Research found that 45% of caregivers have outside jobs – and have to use some or all of their vacation time for caregiving duties.

That’s a tough balance to maintain. Stress can lead to health problems, depression, and exhaustion – so it’s essential that as a caregiver, you’re making time for yourself. Nothing is worth sacrificing mental stability to a point where it’s impacting your health. Remember, if you’re not energized or in good health, your duties as a caregiver could suffer.

Every other sacrifice a caregiver makes – from finances to a social life and more – will contribute to the stress. That’s why stress is a more general sacrifice – because it envelops pretty much, well, everything else. And if stress can have detrimental effects on our well-being, then that means we need to tread carefully with every other sacrifice we face. As you listen to the sacrifices listed and worry that they will just be too much on you – trust that instinct. Forgive yourself if you’re not in a place in your life where you can sacrifice so much – if that’s the case there are plenty of other options available. There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Together with your loved one, you can come up with the right solution for both of you.

Many families – especially those whose loved one is experiencing dementia – might choose to stay at home regardless of these sacrifices. We will offer ways to help with each of these sacrifices so that you can find a way to manage if you need to step into the role. You can also think of solutions like respite care, finding extra help from other family members, and more. To learn more about your options, check out our episode on choosing the right type of care.

One major sacrifice caregiver’s make is with their career. According to AARP, about 6 in 10 caregivers continue to work full time while caregiving – but it doesn’t come with zero sacrifice. Even if you are able to keep working while you care for your loved one, there’s likely to be missed deadlines, meetings, or burn out to come.

You might need to take less hours, which could mean a lower income. AARP says that, “many working caregivers report health problems, depression, and lost time and lower productivity at work.” When you’re trying to focus on work after being up for hours during a particularly tough night with Mom, or you’re in a meeting and get a call that your Dad needs your help, it’s not a shock to hear that working can get a little difficult.

There will be missed workdays ahead – even the important ones, where you’re supposed to meet with big clients or have a presentation for your boss. Life happens, and when you’re caring for an aging loved one, it happens more often than you’re probably used to.

While there are some options, they’re not always ideal. For instance, the Family Medical Leave Act allows caregivers a three-month leave from their work, but the employers are not required to pay you during that time.

Caregiver Jody Gastfriend wrote in the Harvard Business Review that, “on average, caregivers miss 6.6 workdays a year. The lost productivity adds up to a big cost to companies – to the tune of $17 to $33 billion annually. And since getting rid of children or parents is not an option, exiting the workplace is often an overwhelmed caregiver’s last resort.”  

Now, there are ways that you can make this work and caregiving balance work – without leaving your job. First, check to see if your employer offers any eldercare benefits. If they do, you’ll be able to come up with a plan with your company for the future ahead.

If not, look into backup care programs like adult day care facilities, volunteer services, or even friends and family with some extra time on their hands. The hard truth is that this isn’t something you can do alone, especially if you’re working. But once you have a plan in line for how your parent will be cared for when you’re away – you will be able to handle work while caregiving much more efficiently – and at less of a sacrifice to your career.

Financial sacrifices are another huge burden for family caregivers. Many caregivers choose this route in order to save on money – but don’t quite realize just how much they’ll end up spending. According to the Associated Press and the NORC Center for Public Affairs Research, 41% of caregivers have been forced to dip into their personal savings, and 25% have cut back on their retirement fund. NORC also found that eight in ten caregivers spend their own money on caregiving costs. AARP found that “family caregivers spend an average of nearly $7000 a year of their own money,” on caregiving. Of course, this is still significantly less than the cost of assisted living, which is around $1000 to $5000 a month.

Unexpected costs of family caregiving can come in many forms. You might need to install safety bars, wheelchair ramps, shower benches and other precautions in your loved one’s home to make it safer. You could also be hit with transportation costs, the cost of medical supplies, and the cost of feeding another person. If your loved one moves into your house, your utilities could increase.

Now, if the person you’re looking after has Medicaid, you might be able to be paid for being their caregiver. Look into your state law as well as your parents’ insurance plan. Otherwise, try to balance out the new payments by seeking senior volunteer services for extra help, or seeking assistance from family friends for things like grocery runs. The financial burden can be severe, but at home caregiving is the least expensive option for many families.

Socialization is another major sacrifice for family caregivers. Especially for those sandwiched between their elderly parents and their young children, who are also working full time, finding extra time to see friends can seem impossible. Socialization can do wonders for our mental health. Laughing with friends, as they say, is the best medicine. So, without the opportunity to see friends, you might feel pretty isolated.

Isolation, unsurprisingly, can lead to depression – especially when it’s accompanied by the high emotional and physical stress of caring for an ageing loved one. While it might seem like less time with friends is no big deal, missing out on the nights with friends can be more painful than you might expect – especially if you have to scroll through happy pictures of your friends on Instagram.

You might have to miss important events – like weddings, birthday parties, or graduations – if your back up caregiver cancels at the last minute, or your mother or father is having a tough day.

Luckily, the age of Zoom has provided new opportunity for virtual socialization. Now, it’s standard to meet with friends for a morning coffee over the laptop cam – and I highly recommend it. Take advantage of the technology at your disposal to meet up with friends from time to time, if you can’t do it in person. It’s amazing how much a few minutes with a pal can help your mental health – and get you re-energized to go back to your role as a caregiver when the call is over.

Another sacrifice too often made is with personal care. According to the NORC survey, one third of respondents said they have neglected dental care, health exams, and forgone medical treatments. 39% of participants said they have a physical or mental health condition that impacts their daily life – and that their health issue, combined with their responsibilities as a caregiver, makes it much more difficult to manage their own health.

According to Next Avenue, “many caregivers don’t discuss the issues with their doctors, even as they make sure their loved ones’ medical needs are met.” Many doctors simply don’t know how their patients are struggling – but if they did, they might be able to offer solutions or help the caregiver come up with a plan to ease some of the pressure.

When we neglect our own health, it can be detrimental. The last thing we want as caregivers, is to find out too late that we have a health issue we could have treated had we not canceled our last three doctor appointments. While it might seem selfish to spend time on our own health when our parent needs us, it’s essential.

We can’t be a great caregiver if we are suffering with our health – and something as small as a tooth ache could be an indicator of a bigger problem – so never ignore your own health needs because you feel guilty or are afraid you don’t have time. This is something that you must make the time for – because sacrificing good health just isn’t worth it.

In addition to neglecting health matters, some caregivers sacrifice personal hygiene or other daily care. If you’re so overwhelmed that you just don’t have time to take a shower, or change out of yesterday’s clothes, this is a big indicator that you need some extra help. Never be afraid to delegate – it doesn’t make you any less of a caregiver. No one can do everything, after all, even if we want to. And, again, when we make more time for ourselves, we will be in a better place to be there for our loved one.

Now, as plentiful as the sacrifices are – it’s important to remember that this time in your life will not last forever. If you feel that you are so stressed and under so much pressure that you are unable to appreciate these precious years with your loved one, it might not be worth the sacrifice. If that’s the case – don’t feel ashamed. The earlier you can come to that realization, the sooner you and your loved one can work to find the best possible plan.

At the same time, if you feel that being a caregiver is giving you a chance to spend unparalleled, meaningful time with your loved one – then it all just might be worth it. To help with the stress and bring in the reward, think about how you can make the experience more joyful for both of you.

Play board games, cook fun themed dinners, invite friends over to socialize with both of you from time to time (even over Zoom). If your parent is stuck in bed, have movie nights complete with your loved one’s favorite snacks. In these ways, you’ll be giving both you and your parent a break from the stress of everyday life. You’ll be savoring the happy moments, holding onto them when they mean the most.

In addition to savoring those little moments – find time to savor by yourself. Read a book when you can, go for walks, enjoy a hobby like playing an instrument or painting. The more you can do for yourself, the less stress you’ll feel. That’s because by taking time for yourself, you’re giving your brain a chance to relax, to strengthen up, so you can be ready for anything.

By understanding the sacrifices – from career, to finances, to mental health and socialization – you can have a better idea of whether being a family caregiver is the best choice for you. At the end of the day, it’s a tough job physically, emotionally, and financially – but with the right preparation and tools, it can be an extremely meaningful experience.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone is who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

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