Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about using humor in your relationship.

Laughter is an incredibly powerful force, right? It can diffuse nerve-wracking situations and break down barriers.

And really, it's just a way we can connect

because sometimes nothing feels better than laughing with your partner.

But everyone expresses humor differently.

And maybe you don't always enjoy your partner's humor. Have you ever felt

upset because your partner laughed at you? Or maybe you've made a joke at their expense.

Humor can actually be kind of complicated. So you want to use it in a way that builds and

maintains a healthy, loving, and strong connection with your partner. And you can do that by being

mindful of the different types or theories of humor. The superiority theory is a pretty big no-no.

This attempted humor relies on putting others below ourselves. Using it or being exposed to its

effects can be unpleasant, and it's pretty unlikely

to strengthen bonds with those you care about. Like if you catch your partner laughing, and then they

say, I can't get over how slow you were on our walk today. I was running circles around you.

They start doing an impression of you, followed by an insincere, I'm sorry,

but it was so funny to watch. It might not feel good to hear that when it's just the two of you,

and it'd probably feel even worse in a public setting. It might even make you cringe. And then

there's the incongruity theory. It's basically about the importance of perspective and the existence of valid viewpoints

outside of our own.

We all have different truths and opinions.

And sometimes that can be tough when humor comes into play.

...