Welcome to the Articharm podcast where we break down the science of powerful communication and winning mindsets so you have the cheat code to succeed with people every episode is jam packed with actionable steps to unlock the hidden superpowers inside of you level up with us each week by listening to interviews with the best in business psychology and relationships.

We distill thousands of hours of research in the most effective tools and the latest science so you can start winning today let's face it in order to be seen and heard your communication needs to cut through the noise and we're going to show you how i'm a j successfully recovered introvert entrepreneur and self development junkie and i'm johnny zoo back former touring musician promoter rock and roller and co founder here at the articharm and for the last 15 years we've trained thousands of top performers and teams from every background we have dedicated our lives

to teach you men and women all they need to know about communication networking and relationships you shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary today we have nedra to ob with us.

Nedra is a New York Times best selling author license therapist and relationship expert especially when it comes to setting boundaries today's episode is packed with simple strategies to speak your truth guard your time and build better relationships as someone who struggled with people pleasing it was great to hear nedra break down how to communicate more effectively with the ones we love and draw boundaries fearlessly

her philosophy is that missing boundaries and a lack of assertiveness are the underlying problems of most relationship issues and her new book is titled set boundaries find peace a guide to reclaiming yourself and it's all about speaking up for what you need to create those healthy relationships walk to the show nedra.

So I noticed in reading the book that my environment that I was raised in had continued into adulthood and it caused some issues and so now that I look back at it I would love for you to share with our audience why you wrote the book on boundaries and what it means to reclaim yourself.

I believe that we naturally have healthy boundaries and in our child rearing and learning from adults we are taught that it's not okay to have boundaries we are taught that saying no is mean that you have to almost be a people pleaser many of us are raised to be people pleasers and then told go into the world and be assertive.

Tell people what you think stand up for yourself and we come from households where we could not stand up for ourselves what we couldn't tell our parents our teachers our family members what we actually thought or what we wanted so it's a very interesting concept to be raised to be permissive and then told once you turn 18 now go be assertive.

In my house hold there was a rule when I was a teenager and basically summer vacation the rule was if my dad had come home from work and had found me in the house that meant that I had nothing to do so then my dad would give us chores to do so in order to escape the chores I always had something to do I was always gone I was always outside the house

and because of that I had to entertain myself so I had become incredibly independent and in reading your book I was now realizing how that rule and how the independence that I train myself with the get out of chores affected the way I deal with people in my own life incredibly independent and a lot of times I have to let people in.

Yeah sometimes when we are in this space of doing everything for our sales we no longer allow people to jump in and help us but there is really no such thing as independence because to be human is to be dependent now parents it sound like your parents in particular they have this idea that doing nothing means that you are not going to be a child.

It means that you should be doing something but it's so interesting how the move the world is moving towards rest doing nothing taking it easy we're having to teach people this because you were taught be busy go do stuff why are you laying there and I remember some of that too my grandfather was saying why are you taking a nap it's like because I'm tired.

That's why I'm napping I'm not doing it for fun but yeah there has to be this sort of allowance for people to do nothing even children just to rest because that over activity we are now seeing a lot of anxiety we are seeing people who don't know how to be in the presence of others because they are so used to getting busy and being busy.

How do we slow that process down and now allow people in what's so funny about that anecdote is growing up for me I was always over achieving in school and in all these activities trying to prove myself to my dad and then I would come home and I'd be given chores and I would say just let me relax a while just let me breathe a little bit and then I'll start the chores and it became such a catch phrase that he would tease me for he had a shirt made that said just let me relax a while.

And he gave it to me and that was my excuse of trying to get out of chores but that same thing not learning boundaries wanting to please him wanting to make sure that not only did I achieve it school but then I was achieving in the household became very hard for me to speak up assertively and in a lot of the way that I approached dealing with my family members it was impolite to speak up and say no I can't eat anymore no I would not want to go do that right now I just want to relax that I just want to relax.

That was just completely unacceptable in my household and I would get scolded coming back from visiting extended family members when I did speak up around those needs and I feel like that book really helped me see this pattern in myself and now I am bringing into adulthood but I never would have connected it with boundaries so could you share with our audience what you mean by boundaries for those who might be struggling to understand as well.

Boundaries are lifestyle practices choices that keep you safe and comfortable in your relationships not just with others but also with yourself boundaries can be saying you know saying something like I just need a moment to rest or even just taking that rest you know thank goodness for adulthood a lot of times we are in control of what the boundary is we don't have to say you know please let me do this thing dad

now it we're we're we're adding ourself for like you need to go and have a seat Nedra I am now talking to me as if I am my parent you know go to bed early so you can get up well rested Nedra so the table shift and we become the person who is now

responsible for implementing those boundaries with our sales. Well I know we hear all the time that communication is important in relationships and a lot of times when we aren't being assertive and communicating we're not telling our friends family members or partners how we are feeling internally it's very easy for them to walk over these boundaries they're invisible they don't know that we're feeling this way inside and we leave a lot of people to mind read and try to guess and oftentimes they'll just revert

to their boundaries what's comfortable for them so how do you know that these boundaries are something that you need to start working on communicating what are some of the signals or signs where those in our audience who need to be more assertive can recognize hey maybe this is an area for a boundary for me.

Our feelings tell us what we need to know when we listen and pay attention when we're feeling anxious about certain interactions with people anxious after we've said yes to something is it a sign that it's something we don't want to do it could it be a sign that we've overextended ourself when we are sad when we are uncomfortable

frustrated and in particular burnt out oftentimes when we are in need of healthier boundaries we experience burnout we feel like giving up on everything just leaving the house and everything in it and running away that is a sign that there are some boundaries that are needed you know I think of what you mentioned earlier about coming home from school and then being asked to clean the house the adult version of that is getting off work

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