Hello. Four minutes after ten is the time. I hope you had a cracking weekend. Can we begin?

It might make this a bit of a habit on Monday mornings or a tradition. That's a better word than habit.

Can I begin with my problems? Shall I've got some problems at work this morning? Should we talk

through those? Don't worry, Keith. Not you, mate. That's a whole show. This is just a sort of five-minute

interlude. Problem number one, I love that story about fraud.

I find it absolutely fascinating and I feel that we have some sort of public service to perform.

But as the great Clive Ball once observed, making the phones ring in this job is not the challenge.

If you want to make the phones ring, you simply say, is there anybody old out there feeling poorly?

And I worry that it might slip into the same category to

say, is there anybody old out there who's been scammed? Neither, sadly, these days, since I've

been in therapy, can I come on air and be deliberately obnoxious? I no longer find it possible.

I said deliberately, thank you. So I can't say, if you've been scammed, you're clearly stupid.

Call me and convince me otherwise.

So the challenge for you at five minutes after 10 this morning is to come up with a way

to discuss the fact that the United Kingdom is truly world beating when it comes to the number of citizens

who are victims of fraud.

I challenge you with coming up with a way of making other people's stories about it

truly fascinating, scintillating, engaging and indeed compelling,

because they are important. And I would like to find that Rosetta Stone,

that skeleton key to unpick the story. Britain is £3 billion fraud capital of the world.

Give it 10 minutes. Boris Johnson will be boasting about it, I imagine. What's the other problem I've got? The other problem I've got is I haven't

been in court ever, actually. Well, I tell a lie. I was once removed from the public gallery

...