Welcome to All There Is. I've been listening to voicemails and videos we've received over the last few weeks. They're deeply moving, and I'll be putting together a special episode of the podcast soon, which is made up of them. You can record a video and email it to us if you want. The address is All There Is at CNN.com. You can also message the videos to us on instagram at all

there is and you can leave us voicemails at 404 827 1805 we love to hear from you i want to play you a

message i heard just this morning my name is grace one thing i've learned in my grief now being

almost five years since my mom's dead by suicide, I've learned, especially as we're approaching the holidays, that the best place to be on a holiday for me is where there's no expectations of me and where I don't put expectations on myself.

Because I think I have to make a good impression or I think I'm

bringing the mood down and it took me a four and a half year incident to find it, but I did.

She was my high school chemistry teacher and I've been babysitting her kids and I go to

birthday parties and I go to Thanksgiving and Christmases and I want to talk about my mom. They listen and I go to birthday parties, and I go to Thanksgiving and Christmases, and if I want to talk about my mom, say, listen, and if I want to cancel at the last minute, I won't hurt anyone's feelings.

By choosing you and your grace on holidays, you may wrestle feathers like I do, with my blood family, That's so me on holidays. I feel like those are the

days where I let myself just pick me. One thing I'm going to ask though, and then told me yesterday that

they read a book that said the fifth year of grief is hardest. And I responded by telling them

every year, at least one person has told me that the year I'm in is the hardest year the first year is the

hardest the second year is the hardest the third year is the hardest and I asked him what year is the

easiest year when will I have the easiest year and I really hope I haven't already had it because

because living without my mom for five years is too many and I know when they self surpass her an age and I also

surpass the time that I had with her and I don't want to think about that and I don't know what to do.

Yeah. So if anyone's left a voicemail, it's telling you what you're the easiest. I'd love to know.

It can be hard when you hear others put a timetable on grief

or opine on how you should feel or what you should do.

I'd never say it gets easy, but it can and does change.

It can and does get easier.

I think about what Nick Cave said in last week's podcast about the transformation he underwent

...