Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute,

where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about attunement through awareness.

Remember when you were a little kid and played hide-and-seek?

Hiding in the closet or under the bed was fun, right?

But the best part of the game was being found.

Now that you're an adult, has that changed?

Think about it.

Because the thing is, one of our deepest needs is for our partners to find us, to understand us, to know us, to be truly attuned to us and be responsive and aware of who we are and what we are feeling.

But sometimes it's not so easy, because to get to that place, you need to gather up the courage

to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to open up and let your partner know what's going on inside.

And this all begins by speaking with awareness. Here's an example. Say you're in the middle of an

argument when suddenly your partner shuts down and leaves the room. And there you are standing

alone in the bedroom, angry and scared and about to burst. Your first impulse is to blame, attack,

and scream, you are so mean. I can't believe you walked out on me. But there is another way.

And it involves revealing yourself in your true, authentic feelings in the moment of conflict.

So instead of attacking, you take a deep breath, open yourself up, and gently say,

I feel afraid when you turn your back on me in the middle of an argument. My fear is that you'll leave me.

How can I bring up a conflict so we can work it out together?

Mm-hmm. See? That personal revelation now opens the door for attunement, and hopefully you both begin to feel more emotionally connected.

You've chosen your words carefully and not

attacked or blamed your partner. And when your partner senses that, they're not only more

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