Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about centrally communicating. Sexual intimacy and building a great sex life

is so much more than just the act of having sex.

It's about an emotional connection that can be built by sharing your needs and desires.

Making love to your partner with words and talking about sex as a form of foreplay can increase

sexual and emotional intimacy. And yeah, sex talk can definitely spice things up when the demands of jobs, kids, and housework

starts piling up.

All it takes is a willingness to try to be more sensual and the right attitude.

If you're already squirming because the thought of sex talk makes you uncomfortable, you're not

alone. A lot of people go through life actually feeling shame thought of sex talk makes you uncomfortable, you're not alone. A lot of people

go through life actually feeling shame about their sexual desires and have distorted beliefs

and think things like, my partner should know what I need. But here's the thing. You're way more

likely to get your sexual needs met if you state them directly as a bid for

connection and patiently wait for a response. It can be awkward if this isn't something you and your

partner normally talk about, but couples who use intimate communication skills can become more

comfortable talking about sex. Start by initiating more emotional conversations and getting

vulnerable. For example, maybe you feel like your partner doesn't open up to you. Even when you can

see their wheels turning and can tell that they're thinking something, but won't share it. You could say,

I feel left out when you don't open up to me. I'd like to know what you're thinking

when I share my feelings with you. By opening up that door, you'll be deepening your connection.

And eventually, when you're comfortable, you can start putting words to your desire for your partner.

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