Welcome to the late show. Welcome to the late show, everybody. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Right now, in the UK, in the United Kingdom right now, it is about 4.35 a.m., which means Queen Elizabeth's funeral has almost ended.

But after 70 years on the throne, she deserves a proper send-off. The ceremony began this morning with a service at Westminster Abbey and a British military escort through London to the Wellington Arch with British subjects, paying their respects as her casket passed by, and fitting tribute for a beloved monarch for pretty embarrassing for whoever forgot to put the crown inside before they closed the lid. Oh, that's it all! Don't just stick it on top. It's fine. It's fine.

The procession was lengthy with King Charles and siblings walking behind the coffin for nearly one and a half hours. That's not easy. For years, the royal family's only form of exercise has been walking back statements from Andrew.

The Queen's corkies were also there, and because of the short legs, they were all given funeral skateboards. Thousands of people gathered along the route to honor the late monarch, requiring 22 miles of barriers to be erected in central London alone.

Of course, those in the city who wanted to know exactly where the procession was at any one moment along the route could just download the Domino's monarch tracker. Come on! They're taking a left at the Wellington Arch. That's going to be two more stoplights. She better come with free garlic knots. The procession was led into the church by officer and arms with some pretty fancy titles, including, and these are all real.

The Maltravers Herald Extraordinary, the Rouge Dragon Perseuvant, and the Lady Usher of the Black Rod. Lady Usher of the Black Rod, coincidentally, also the UK's number one search on Pornhub.

One interesting moment was when the Lord Chamberlain ceremonially broke the wand of office, signifying the end of the Queen's reign. So, if I know my royal protocol, I believe King Charles now has to go pick up a new wand at all vendors in Diagon Alley, before he can return to be headmaster of Hogwarts.

In observance of the memorial, the UK government declared today an official holiday. Most movie theaters were also closed, but offered screenings of the Queen's funeral. I believe we have footage, is this true, of the moving opening remarks.

Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

Of course, amen, Nicole. Of course, the Queen's funeral wasn't the only solemn observance today, September 19th. Also, international talk like a pirate day. So, with a heavy heart and the gravest of respects, I say,

Yeah. She will be missed. She was a good lassie.

Yeah.

Of course, a lot of world leaders attended the funeral eventually, they attended, because for one, Joe Biden was forced to wait for a seat after he arrived late.

The president may have been delayed, because before he left, he sat down for an interview with 60 minutes Zatti, Scott Kelly, and made a stunning announcement.

Is the pandemic over?

The pandemic is over. We still have a problem with COVID. We're still doing a lot of work on it. It's what the pandemic is over.

Which is it, Joe?

We have trouble with COVID, or is the pandemic over?

Lorraine, the affair is over.

I still have sex with Bethany every Tuesday at 6 o'clock, but the affair is over.

I gotta go. It's 5.45. I'll be right back.

So, what made Biden decide everything is all super chill now?

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