I'll now hand you over to my best man, Eddie.

Wow, wow, wow, second time's a charm, eh, Billy Boy.

Oh God.

Substitution, courtesy of Paddy Power, embarrassing Eddie, makes way for sensible Samuel.

Cool, that was close.

You might not always pick the right starter, but your sub can still deliver.

Because with Paddy's Super Sub, your bet rolls over to the player coming on. Panny Power. Valid on selected leagues and

markets only. Pre-match and in-play bets on qualifying player outcome selections only. T's and

exclusions apply. 18 plus scumannwellware.org.com. I know. I know. It's good to see me too. Good evening, everyone. So Patriots head coach, Mike Vrable, said he would cut off his own penis to win a Super Bowl. A Super Bowl. In a related story, J.B. Pritzker said he'd do the same for a burrito bowl. A burrito bowl.

Hmm, delicious.

A broken sewer pipe has left the Potomac River with 12,000 times the limit of E. coli, which causes intense diarrhea.

While people have reported symptoms, life went on as usual for one man.

Because he has it every day. Do I have to explain these jokes to everybody?

A Kenyan activist broke a Guinness World Record by hugging a tree for 72 consecutive hours.

I believe we have a picture.

Which one's the tree?

Well, one of them has wood.

Are you sure?

California reportedly received millions of dollars to provide foe and internet for 94,000 dead people.

To be fair, they were alive when they called for service.

Because, you know, you're always on hold these jokes.

Kanye West is now blaming his hatred of Jews on an undiagnosed brain injury.

...