Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about handling conflict. Holiday stress can make this time of year challenging

for couples and families. Figuring out things like whose family

you'll celebrate with can be difficult. Maybe your partner is an only child and can't even imagine

spending Christmas without their parents. And your parents are divorced. And you feel a responsibility

to spend Christmas with your mom. So what do you do when hours of freeway separates your families?

There's some useful tools to handle these types of conflicts and keep your holidays happy,

like accepting your partner's influence, so conflicts don't escalate. Things will be much more

peaceful if you listen to each other and take into account each other's wishes and feelings when

making decisions.

Look for the parts of your partner's point of view that makes sense to you, even if you

disagree. Consider each option from their perspective and validate their emotions. And keep in

mind that there's two different types of problems, solvable and unsolvable problems. A solvable problem would be like if you got an

invitation to an event that conflicts with other plans. There's five steps that you can take to solve

a solvable problem. First, soften your startup. That means leading with kindness and understanding.

And then, learn to make and receive repair attempts. Be open to making

things better. The third step is to soothe yourself and each other. The fourth is to compromise.

And then finally, process any grievances so that they don't linger. Give yourself and your partner

the time that you need to work through any feelings. It's important to solve the

problems that you can, because some issues are just plain unsolvable. But here's the thing.

It's okay to have perpetual problems. Every relationship has them, and they can easily surface

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