Happy New Year. Sadly, this is the first opportunity I've had to kick off an episode with a story about Mark Twain.

Back in the 1860s, Mark was still named Samuel Clemens, and his brother, Orion, solid name, no need to change it if you ask me, was appointed some political position by Abe Lincoln out in Nevada,

and took Sam with him to act as his secretary.

When he was bored, Sam would write letters to the local paper about whatever,

and he signed them Josh.

Eventually, the folks at the paper kind of got to like him, and they offered him a job.

And he took it, and he started going by the name Mark Twain.

As Mark Twain, on January 1, 1863, he wrote this.

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.

Next week, you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink, and swore his last oath.

Today, we are a pious and exemplary community.

Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

We shall also reflect pleasantly upon how we did the same old thing last year about this time.

What a marvelous grump that Sam, Josh, Mark guy.

His letter got upstage that day by a national New Year's resolution, the Emancipation Proclamation.

I've always thought of the tradition of resolutions as kind of a hallmark holiday,

a made-up thing that spurs the sale of gym memberships and mutual fund investments.

But it turns out they're ancient.

The first evidence we have of this being an annual practice comes from about

4,000 years ago. I emphasize evidence because humans have been doing this stuff forever. They just

didn't have Facebook to memorialize everything or like clay tablets or whatever. Around 2000 BC, we know

...