You're listening to the place we find ourselves podcast.

I'm Adam Young and today is the final episode in this series on how do I engage with people who

have harmed me. In the previous episode, I quoted Alander and Longman who say that the key to loving

a wicked person is three things, insightful preparation, clear boundaries, and courageous

consequences. We looked at insightful preparation last time. Today, we are going to look at clear

boundaries and courageous consequences. And I'll also talk about what it means to forgive

and what is involved in reconciliation. But first, what does it mean to establish clear boundaries

and enforce courageous consequences? If the other person, the person who has harmed you,

if they refuse to soften, if their heart hardens as a result of your attempt at dialogue,

then it's time for what Alander and Longman call clear boundaries and courageous consequences.

So consider the following example. Suppose your father has been making subtle comments about your

appearance, your body, your weight. And you realize that this has been going on for a long time.

The subtle sexual comments started when you began to develop breasts in middle school.

And it continued, often on throughout high school. And when you'd come home from college,

dad would often comment on your weight or your body in some way. The comments felt yucky to you,

they felt gross to you. And you confront him about this over the summer. But your dad insists

that his comments were harmless and that you're blowing it way out of proportion.

According to dad, he was just trying to affirm you and let you know that you looked pretty.

That's been his intent all along. And then the comments subside for several months.

But the first words out of dad's mouth when he sees you at Thanksgiving are sweetheart, you look

great. You must have lost a few pounds. Okay, now it's time to set clear boundaries and courageous

consequences. And here's an example of what I mean. Dad, it's not okay for you to continue to

...