67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)

Apocrypals

Chris Sims

Comedy, History

4.9 • 650 Ratings

🗓️ 28 June 2020

⏱️ 87 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his eponymously apocryphal Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked on and Mary gets called some uniquely unflattering things that we're pretty sure are supposed to be good. Also, if angels actually are cutting out your tongue, uh, we apologize. Listen anyway.

Topics of discussion: Benito gets raw, a correction of a total scrub mistake, Quebecusses, a Lazy Jesus, a weird bosom, Apa Ananias (he a freak), Death's Alfred, thirty snakes, Whomst Was At The Tombst Part Twost, Pharka Marimath, the begonia virgins, our good new greeting card business idea, Adam and Eve's improbable and incompatible heights, the Mystery Husband, a very good plan for rebuilding the Church via tendies.

Hymnal: "Judas" by Fozzy, "Papparazi" by D.R. Luft ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQNN_yCiQPu7N22ubjw3bHw )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

Transcript

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0:00.0	You're listening to Apocrapels on the Greenlit Podcast Network.
0:03.9	Check out all of our shows at greenlitpodcast.com.
0:07.8	The angels who follow the Lord threw Judas down.
0:11.0	They cut off his tongue, they plucked the light out of his eyes,
0:14.1	they pulled the hair from his head, they defiled his mouth.
0:18.3	The book of Bartholomew, chapter six, verse five.
0:22.3	Embraced by the darkness, I'm losing the light, encircled by demons I fight.
0:30.6	What have I become?
0:32.6	Now that I betrayed, everyone I've ever loved, to push them all away, and they have been a slave
0:42.2	to the Judas in my mind, is there something left for me to save?
0:49.0	In the record.
0:49.3	Hello, friends and neighbors, and welcome to Apocopalus.
0:51.6	It's the podcast where two nonbelievers read through the Bible, and we try not to be jerks about it. My name is Chris Sims. With me as always is the other set
0:58.5	of footprints Benito Sereno. Benito, how are you? Pretty good. I mean, still inside.
1:05.2	Extremely normal. Just, that's how I'm feeling these days. At least I can sleep. That's helping.
1:11.3	That I can... Good. I'm glad we're getting At least I can sleep. That's helping. Good.
1:12.0	I'm glad we're getting this segment,
1:13.6	this fan favorite segment of the show where Benito talks about how he's not sleeping out of the way now.
1:18.6	But I am sleeping.
1:20.0	Congratulations.
1:20.7	How about you?
1:21.4	How are you sleeping, Chris?
	...

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