Well, we show up in most of our relationships as the same type of person. So if you accept blame with your partner, you probably do it with your friends and work in all these spaces. And it's important for us to notice a pattern. When we get into the spirit of always saying, okay, it was me just to get out of having uncomfortable conversations or having to deal with something very challenging, we have to look at that behavior because everything is not your fault. Somethings are, but everything is not, especially in relationships. There are two people that means that there is two sets of energy present. So what did I contribute? What did you contribute? Perhaps some things are on me. And sometimes this thing isn't on me, but it's important to think about your patterns in relationship. And if your pattern is to always say, okay, it was me. All right, I'm sorry. That's something that you may want to work on to be able to stand up for yourself and be assertive and say, I didn't do that. I did not do that. So let's say you're in that situation and you have the courage, because I think it is brave, especially if you're in a habit for so much of your life to be taking that on yourself. When you finally say, how do you do that? Where it's not accusatory necessarily to the other person, because we all know that when someone comes at you, like, hey, I didn't do this, this was you. Immediately you do put those defenses and those walls up. Arguing is a choice. Arguing is a choice. And when someone who I know, oh, I know it, I could fill it right now and think of situations. It's like, I know this wasn't me. I will not argue with you about something being my fault when it wasn't.

I won't do it. Because the argument is really you have to agree with me. And I disagree. I'm stating that now. And I don't care how many times we go back and forth. I'm not changing my mind on that. Because there are some things that I just not responsible for. And there are some things that I am responsible for. I'm typically not responsible for any ways

that I'm being mistreated by a person.

So if you're trying to convince me

that I did something for myself to be mistreated, no.

We can't have a conversation about that

because that's not true.

You're making a choice to mistreat me.

It doesn't matter why, how, what happened. I can't think of a reason you could do it. There's no justifiable reason. So you can't convince me that I am causing harm to myself in a way from another person. That doesn't make sense to me. I love that. But so many people fall into that trap. So what is it that there is it that, is it not having confidence in that area to then stand up for yourself? Like that's so strong girl. And I assume it's not a you, maybe, I mean, maybe this is a misadception, but that you weren't always very strong and very upfront and very articulate and honest about your feelings away. To an extent, I mean, I remember the first time, well, the first time I ever remember being given the silent treatment by someone after not acknowledging that or not apologizing for something I didn't do. They tried to say, you know, you're the reason I acted this way, and the way they acted was terrible. It was very volatile. And it was like, it was your fault. I'm like, no, no. I refused. And this person didn't talk to me for a year. Because I refused to apologize. And I said, I'm not apologizing for something I'm not responsible for responsible for. And when they bring it up to this day, I still state the truth. That was your fault. That was not on me. I didn't do anything wrong. And you cannot convince me that I did because you don't want to be accountable for the way you behave. I think you have to deal with yourself. Sometimes we do things that we're not proud of. And you have to deal with that. And when you deal with that, that helps you to do better in the future. But if you're ignoring it, that means that you continue to mistreat people and to behave in ways that are unhealthy in your relationships. So I'm not helping you by saying, okay, well, maybe you didn't do it. No, I know what happened.

There were witnesses. And you will not convince me otherwise and there will not be an apology on my behalf. Yeah, damn. So how enough do we help other people that may not have the confidence to say that? Because that is so powerful. Like I'm feeling like even more like energetic just by you saying. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I want to be a cheerleader. But like in those moments, right, let's say you're feeling insecure, you've been in a relationship for a while, someone's been gaslighting you, you watch this episode, they hear everything you're saying, but it is harder than make that shift into, I'm going to now have the confidence to stand by this. How do you encourage people? What are the things that they can do in order to stand strong in that conviction? It takes practice. I mean, that happened after many years of experiencing this. And I just got tired. I just got tired of it because I knew it wasn't my fault, but I've never had the courage before that moment to say that this is not my fault. But it took years for me to get to that place with that person. And once I did it, it gave me the freedom to continue to do it. Because I don't like people to revise history. What do you mean by that? Make up things that aren't true. You know, this is what happened. It is like, well, let's call these seven other people who were present to really verify that. That's not what happened. And it does benefit you to say this is how that occurred. But that's not how it occurred. And I get that, again, it's very hard to sit in this things that we do when we're wrong people. bad about some of the things that I've done, but I'm like, I did do those. I remember someone was trying to call me out for saying something mean, and they were trying to catch me off while like, well, you said this this about them and I was like, I did. I did.

And I stand by. That was the truth. I wasn't making up anything. I did and the person it was there and they're like, thank you for saying, yeah, I don't want to deny that. I did say that. I did. Because now we're talking about integrity if I will be dishonest about what I actually say it. And I don't want you to think of me as a liar,

and I did say this mean thing,

but I don't wanna be mean and a liar. It's just so. Yeah. I rather than just be mean, I don't wanna be both. Cause those are your car change the past, right? And so, it's like if you didn't, you did it. Yeah. But people are gonna look at who you are now and say, okay, she can own it, then it does show you character, right? Yeah, I'm like, I haven't always done the best things

or see it of the right things or none of us have. And so, yeah, on that, maybe I didn't say that properly or maybe, yeah, I said this thing, oops, my bad. You're living you learn. And I think we have to whole space to not be perfect and to acknowledge when we are harming other people. So true. I just want to take back it. You just said something that I really want to like kind of go deep on. So you said, I said, how did you get ahead and you said it took a long time for me to do it and then that was the first time that you really said it out loud and then that gives you the confidence and encouragement to then stick to it. What, over obviously years of practice and practice, what did that really look like? What work in turn or what did you really have to do in order for you to get to that point where you could have the courage to speak up and say that? Are there any key things in those years of work that you have to do that other people can take control on themselves? One thing that happened was I got tired of having these conversations in my head about what I should have said, the should have said conversations. Like I should have said this. And when they said that, I should have said this. And what if I would have said, and I'm like like, I have to start saying this stuff, because my should have said conversations are so good. They are amazing. I just have to start to say these things because without it, I would be thinking about this thing, saying it to 50 people. Now my conversations, when I tell people the story of something, it's like, this is

what I see. And then this is what they say. It's not, I should have told them this or I was thinking this, it's, this is what happened. And people are off the shock. It's like, you say that? Like, that's exactly what I said. Because people, I have found that we have a lot of internal dialogue. And it takes years for us to get to the space of being able to externalize a lot of the things that we're thinking and it does take practice that helps. But really the biggest thing is doing it the first time. The first time you do it, there is a sense of relief that you feel for standing up for yourself. There's a sense of pride. How good does it feel to no longer be the victim? It feels amazing. I am getting better at getting to that point faster. I want to get there faster. That's my goal. Okay. I want to be there the first time. That's truly my goal. I want to get there the first time.

And so how are you doing that?

Practicing.

Yeah. Practicing. When it happens, just sometimes even if I don't say it right away, I've gotten better with saying it soon after. And so for me, that's progress. I'm not sitting with it for years. I'm not sitting with it for months and days and weeks and I'm just like, okay, let me

go ahead and say let me just call them 10 minutes later. I'm not sitting with it for years. I'm not sitting with it for months and days and weeks and I'm just like

Okay, let me go ahead and say let me just call them 10 minutes later and say this thing And what I love about that as well is it's like you don't really beat yourself up in the process right? Because it's like oh, I'm just trying to get better every day It's not like oh, I'm I have to be perfect or not right because when you slip up ones at least for me If I'm like, okay, don't do this and then I slip up, I beat myself up.

But if I just, if I don't tell myself, don't do it,

but I'm just like, okay, take that timeline,

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