446 SelfWork: If You're Avoiding Conflict, You're Avoiding Intimacy
The SelfWork Podcast
Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD
4.7 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 16 May 2025
⏱️ 28 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
In this episode, we’re going to focus on nine very real consequences or dangers of avoiding conflict in partnerships, in marriages, and in committed relationships. It’s a response to a listener’s question – and I’ll read a part of her email. In general, conflict-avoidant relationships also become intimacy-avoidant relationships. Avoiding the conflict can stem from fear of the loss of the relationship or defensiveness. And it can lead to everything from bitterness and resentment to affairs.
Next week, we’ll focus on how you can learn to handle and cope with conflict in relationships where it’s safe to express it. It's a skill that you can practice and learn with each other - and grow your emotional and even sexual intimacy even further.
Content links...
SelfWork episode on talking with someone you love about suicidal thoughts
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | This is self-work, and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At self-work, we discuss psychological and |
| 0:12.7 | emotional issues and what you can do about them, whether that's learning self-acceptance, |
| 0:17.9 | taking action, or seeking therapy or treatment. Eight years ago, I extended |
| 0:23.0 | the walls of my practice to reach those of you who might already be knowledgeable about middle |
| 0:27.1 | health treatment, but also to those of you who might say, you'd never darken the door of a therapist. |
| 0:33.1 | And yet, you are here. I'll answer your questions while I invite you to take a few minutes for your |
| 0:39.1 | own self-work. One woman I talked with about this many years ago vehemently disagreed with me. |
| 0:48.4 | She and her husband were considered pillars of the community. And when I talked with her, |
| 0:52.6 | just sort of generally, about my work with couples, she asked and so I answered. And when I talked with her just sort of generally about my work with couples, |
| 0:56.2 | she asked and so I answered. And I thought that conflict was important. She vehemently said, |
| 1:02.5 | my husband and I never argue. Welcome to this week's edition of self-work. I'm not exactly sure |
| 1:10.7 | how the idea that conflict should be avoided |
| 1:13.4 | got started. It certainly could be a consequence of people pleasing. A lot of people feel like |
| 1:19.0 | they're people-pleasers, not wanting to feel discomfort of any kind, or being taught that it wasn't |
| 1:24.6 | nice or you shouldn't be disagreeable, that's probably a more |
| 1:27.6 | female-oriented thing. You could obviously be in a situation or relationship where there's actually |
| 1:32.6 | rational fear of showing disagreement or conflict. You might literally lose your life if you did. |
| 1:39.0 | Certainly that's the experience of many who are racial or ethnic or religious minorities and fear speaking out. Political or |
| 1:46.4 | power factors, of course, are here as well. Yet in this episode, we're going to focus on nine |
| 1:52.0 | very real consequences or dangers of avoiding conflict in just normal partnerships, in committed |
| 1:57.7 | relationships, in marriage. It's a response to a listener's question to me, and I'll read a part of her email. |
| 2:04.8 | And then next week, we'll focus on how you can learn to handle and cope with conflict |
... |
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