This is self-work, and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At self-work, we discuss psychological and

emotional issues and what you can do about them, whether that's learning self-acceptance,

taking action, or seeking therapy or treatment. Eight years ago, I extended

the walls of my practice to reach those of you who might already be knowledgeable about middle

health treatment, but also to those of you who might say, you'd never darken the door of a therapist.

And yet, you are here. I'll answer your questions while I invite you to take a few minutes for your

own self-work. One woman I talked with about this many years ago vehemently disagreed with me.

She and her husband were considered pillars of the community. And when I talked with her,

just sort of generally, about my work with couples, she asked and so I answered. And when I talked with her just sort of generally about my work with couples,

she asked and so I answered. And I thought that conflict was important. She vehemently said,

my husband and I never argue. Welcome to this week's edition of self-work. I'm not exactly sure

how the idea that conflict should be avoided

got started. It certainly could be a consequence of people pleasing. A lot of people feel like

they're people-pleasers, not wanting to feel discomfort of any kind, or being taught that it wasn't

nice or you shouldn't be disagreeable, that's probably a more

female-oriented thing. You could obviously be in a situation or relationship where there's actually

rational fear of showing disagreement or conflict. You might literally lose your life if you did.

Certainly that's the experience of many who are racial or ethnic or religious minorities and fear speaking out. Political or

power factors, of course, are here as well. Yet in this episode, we're going to focus on nine

very real consequences or dangers of avoiding conflict in just normal partnerships, in committed

relationships, in marriage. It's a response to a listener's question to me, and I'll read a part of her email.

And then next week, we'll focus on how you can learn to handle and cope with conflict

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