447 SelfWork: Seven Ways Conflict Can Work For You

The SelfWork Podcast

Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD

Education, Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Self-improvement

4.7 • 1.2K Ratings

🗓️ 23 May 2025

⏱️ 25 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Conflict can work for you and help you create more intimacy in your relationship.

I’ve worked with so many couples on how to work through conflict. And there are definite things to do and things not to do. As I said in the last episode (which you might want to listen to if you haven’t..) a relationship that avoids conflict, where one or both people don’t talk about the elephant in the room, is also avoiding (or not creating) intimacy. If they sense conflict, one or both will change the subject. Or there’ll never seem to be time for “that thing we’ve been saying we need to talk about.”

Today we’re going to address seven excuses or justifications (or what may be wrongly called “reasons”) how conflict sticks around – and doesn’t get worked through. And we’ll also focus on how to realistically approach conflict in ways that promote greater understanding and intimacy.

Vital Links:

Difficulty with apathy in a relationship

Harvard Article on conflict resolution

The Visibility Gap Podcast

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to camouflage underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by anyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	This is self-work, and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford.
0:10.3	At self-work, we discuss psychological and emotional issues and what you can do about them,
0:15.7	whether that's learning self-acceptance, taking action, or seeking therapy or treatment.
0:21.3	Eight years ago, I extended the walls of my practice to reach those of you who might already be
0:26.1	knowledgeable about middle health treatment, but also to those of you who might say you'd never
0:31.3	darken the door of a therapist. And yet, you are here. I'll answer your questions while I invite
0:37.1	you to take a few minutes for your
0:39.1	own self-work. You're kind of doing an autopsy on your arguing. You're going back and looking
0:47.3	at it and saying, where do we get stuck? Or do I get stuck? And both of you claim, what is yours about
0:54.0	that? What is your roadblock? And let the other person know it so both of you can do your best to change.
1:02.7	Welcome to this week's edition of self-work. I've worked with so many couples on how to work through conflict.
1:10.4	And there are definite things to do and things not to do.
1:13.8	As I said in the last episode, which you might want to listen to if you haven't, a relationship that avoids conflict, where one or both people or even a group of people don't talk about the elephant in the room or if they sense conflict they'll change the
1:29.0	subject but there never seems to be time for that thing we've been saying we need to talk about
1:34.3	so in this episode we're going to focus on some of the common ways people talk about having conflict
1:40.6	are ways they believe they're tolerating conflict and what's unhealthy about those
1:45.6	methods. And we'll also focus on how to realistically approach especially chronic conflict.
1:53.3	What's wrong in a marriage or a relationship when arguments, quote unquote, go nowhere?
1:58.8	When you're having the same argument over and over again,
2:01.5	it's exhausting. We're actually going to address seven excuses or justifications or what
2:07.4	are wrongly called reasons about how conflict sticks around and doesn't get worked through.
2:13.8	But first, AG1 has a new generation product. I just got my new box, and I cannot wait to try it.
	...

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