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UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone

407. Coaching Hotline: Why We Want Things & Not Forcing It When We Don't

UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone

Kara Loewentheil

Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Education, Self-improvement, Philosophy, Society & Culture

4.65.5K Ratings

🗓️ 22 July 2025

⏱️ 12 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

In this week’s Coaching Hotline episode, I’m answering two listener questions about motivation, decision-making, and self-coaching. The first question explores why we avoid certain things, like relationships or hobbies, and how not having a clear “why” can keep us stuck. The second dives into the messy relationship between motivation and hobbies—specifically, why writing feels so dreadful sometimes.

If you’ve ever wondered why your hobbies feel like a chore or why you’re not acting on what you really want, this episode will help you cut through the confusion. Tune in for simple, actionable insights that will help you clarify your thoughts and get out of your own way.


Submit your own question here and it might get answered on a future episode: unfuckyourbrain.com/coachinghotline


Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/407

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

Welcome to unfuck your brain. I'm your host Kara Lowentile, master-certified coach, and founder of the School of New Feminist Thought. I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live.

0:21.3

Let's go.

0:24.8

Welcome to this week's coaching hotline episode where I answer real questions from real listeners

0:31.2

and coach you from afar.

0:33.6

If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck your brain.com forward slash

0:39.5

coaching hotline, all one word, or text your email to plus one 347-997-1784. And when you get

0:48.7

prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word. Let's get into this week's questions.

0:55.8

So here's the first question. These questions are actually both kind of about motivations,

1:01.4

so I think that they make a nice pairing. So the first one is, the usual question when someone

1:06.7

says, I really want to be in a relationship, for example, but this could be anything they want, is what do you make it mean about you? And consequently, what thoughts can you think now that are totally available for you? Which I get. If, for example, you want a relationship in order to feel loved, you could think thought now that produced love for you, because feeling loved isn't a function of changing our circumstance. But what if we don't

1:28.7

have a specific thought or feeling we are seeking, but more like I want a relationship because I want

1:33.1

that experience, whatever it brings? Is that a sign that we're in a good place with this decision?

1:37.8

Or am I overlooking something about always seeking a thought and feeling? Okay, so number one,

1:42.6

the question isn't always what are you making it mean about the question isn't always, what are you making it mean

1:44.3

about you? The question is, what are you making it mean? It's interesting, this is a conflation. I see

1:49.9

you guys making a lot, and I see it in the Facebook group a lot, that there's a lot of defaulting to

1:54.6

like, are you making it mean something about you? It's almost like our own self-centeredness

1:59.2

that thought work helps us with comes out in like the way this gets translated somehow.

2:04.5

Sometimes the issue is what you're making it mean about you, but sometimes the issue is just like what you're making it mean in general about what are you making a circumstance mean about another person or about human life or the world or the red socks or like, whatever. It's not

2:18.7

always, what are you making it mean about you? Second part of this question, same question.

2:23.6

I do think like I'm interested in having this experience. Number one, that is a specific thing

2:29.8

you're seeking, right? I mean, it's not about better or worse, but just if you're going into something

...

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