371. You Could Be Having Better Sex

You Are Not Broken

Kelly Casperson, MD

Medicine, Health & Fitness

4.8 • 1.1K Ratings

🗓️ 17 May 2026

⏱️ 44 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

What if the secret to better sex isn't a new position or a fancy toy — it's simply showing up as yourself? In this episode, Kelly sits down with Nicole McNichols, a sexuality researcher and educator whose work bridges the gap between what science knows about female desire and what most of us were never taught. Together they unpack why women lose desire in long-term relationships (hint: it's not broken — it's biology meeting culture), what "heated rivalry" actually means for female attraction, and why spontaneous desire is more myth than reality for most women. This is the kind of honest, research-backed conversation your sex ed class should have been. The "heated rivalry" phenomenon — how competition and social comparison can actually activate female desire, and what that tells us about our evolutionary wiring Spontaneous vs. responsive desire — why waiting to "feel like it" may be the #1 intimacy killer in long-term relationships The taco metaphor — a reframe on why novelty matters for sustaining desire (you'll never think about tacos the same way again) Female anatomy 101 — the internal clitoris, female erections, and the structures your doctor probably never mentioned Hormones and midlife sexuality — how perimenopause and menopause reshape desire, and why hormone therapy can be genuinely life-changing Pleasure as medicine — the neuroscience of why pleasure regulates your nervous system and supports overall health Flow states and intimacy — how to cultivate the focused presence that makes sex feel connected rather than performative The mental load problem — why unequal household labor is a libido killer backed by actual data What college students are actually doing — Nicole's research on porn's influence on sexual expectations and the urgent case for comprehensive sex ed Communication as foreplay — why the conversations before, during, and after sex matter as much as the sex itself You Could Be Having Better Sex book https://www.instagram.com/nicole_thesexprofessor/ Listen to my Tedx Talk: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Why we need adult sex ed⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Take my ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Adult Sex Ed Master Class:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠My Website⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Interested in my sexual health and hormone clinic? ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Waitlist is open⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To learn more about Via vaginal moisturizer from Solv Wellness, visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠via4her.com⁠⁠⁠⁠ and get 20% off your first order. For an additional $5 off, use coupon code DRKELLY5. Clinicians can request patient materials or samples at ⁠⁠⁠⁠hcp.solvwellness.com⁠⁠⁠⁠. Thanks to our sponsor ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Midi Women's Health⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Designed by midlife experts, delivered by experienced clinicians, covered by insurance.Midi is the first virtual care clinic made exclusively for women 40+. Evidence-based treatments. Personalized midlife care.⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.joinmidi.com⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to You Are Not Broken, the podcast that challenges everything we've been taught about
0:07.6	midlife, hormones, and sexuality. I'm Dr. Kelly Casperson, board-certified gerologist,
0:12.8	author, and a leading voice in women's sexual and hormone health. Enjoy the show.
0:17.4	Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the You're Not Broken podcast. Today, I am with Nicole McNichols, and we are going to talk about sex and desire. And basically, I'm just hoping to have like a full hour long podcast about heated rivalry. So welcome to the You're Not Broken Podcast. You will not get me off that topic if you open that can of worms.
0:34.9	Let's just make that the biggest can of worms. Yet, if you don't know, you will, you should soon know about heated rivalry.
0:42.2	And the women and the women who love it.
0:44.9	Who love it.
0:45.6	The straight millennial woman, all demographics who are obsessed.
0:51.3	Yep.
0:51.7	Obsessed with either rivalry.
0:53.6	So you're in the middle of the book tour. Where are you
0:56.6	on the soul-sucking work of book for motion? Exactly. So the book came out February 3rd. It's been
1:01.7	up for a couple weeks. It's been a blast. Congratulations. It has a great title, great cover.
1:07.0	You could be having better sex. Thank you. Are people like, really?
1:11.5	Could you be having better?
1:12.5	Like, are people challenging your book title?
1:14.9	There's two questions, really, that come from the book title, right?
1:18.2	And the first is because a lot of people who are interested in this topic are in long-term
1:24.0	relationships and are interested in how do you keep the spark alive?
1:27.4	Heeded rivalry. Heated rivalry.
1:28.3	Heeded rivalry. Exactly. Dress up like a hockey player. But there's also just this question of
1:38.1	what is better sex, right? Because I mean, that's really the premise of it. And we live in a world where there's so many ideas around performative sex that everyone wants to kind of know, like, well, does better sex mean that it has to be eight million style Olympic positions and that you need to be dressing up and, you know, role play every night and that there need to be chains and whiffs? I have chapters on all of that in my book if that's what you're interested in.
	...

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