Let's crack this bad boy open.

There's no time for that, Stephen. It's time for regular features.

The podcast that's the same every week, and as every week, we are under immense and startling time pressure,

which is why I'm putting an alarm on my phone now.

Time constraints are the best things to make podcast juices really get flowing.

What I find they do is motivate you and make you feel ashamed of yourself when they go badly.

Yes, as every week, it's me, Joseph Scrabbles, and you, Steve the Hoges-Hogity. How do you do? I do like that you invented The Hoges. Has no one ever called you the Hokes before? No one's ever called me The Hokes before. And I found it really pleasant. It's not offensive. It doesn't rhyme with anything. It sounds a bit like the Pogues. They're good.

A great band.

Celebrated.

Maybe not good.

Celebrated.

Shane McGowan and his lovely little gums that you just want to run your tongue along.

Shane McGowan went to Westminster Boys School.

Did he?

He's a very posh man.

I heard, I think it was Louis Theroux talking about him.

And if you can't tell from this rambling, intertude, or intertude, we don't have features.

But you know who will later on in this podcast?

A certain absent, Mr. John, Log, Blythe.

What do you think about that, hoax? Joe, you're so good at talking and talking and talking.

Because what I'm really trying to do is fill time whilst also not taking too much time.

It's like this is what you do for a job, isn't it?

...