#253: Sadness as Celebration, Part 2

In today's podcast, Rhonda and David present Part 2 of their work with a young woman named Rose who has been struggling with profound feelings of grief since learning of a discouraging update on her father's struggles with multiple forms of cancer.

A = Assessment of Resistance

At the end of the moving and tearful empathy phase, Rhonda asked Rose if she felt ready to do some work, or needed more time to talk and share her thoughts and feelings.

She said she was ready to do some work, and described her goals for the session:

I know I cannot change the facts, and I would not want to eliminate the grieving, but I would like to dial down the intensity of some of my emotions, particularly when I'm triggered.

Next, we did some Positive Reframing to highlight what was positive about Rose's feelings. You can click here review the list of positives that we generated.

Rose's Positive Reframing Table*

Thought or Feeling List your negative thoughts or feelings, one by one, in this column.	Advantages and Core Values--Ask yourself What are some advantages of this thought or feeling? How might it help, protect, or benefit me? What does this negative thought or feeling show about me that is positive and awesome? How does it reflect my core values?
Sadness, depression	Shows my deep love for my dad and honors the contribution and impact he's made in my life
	Shows the strength of our relationship
Anxiety	The anxiety is warranted in this situation, shows that I'm being realistic with the situation
	It shows my love for my dad, being worried is a way of showing care and concern
	It shows that I don't want him to suffer
	It motivates me to connect with him and to make every moment count
	It makes me vigilant so I explore every possible treatment option
	It motivates us to think about moving to be closer to him
	It has motivated us to schedule another visit again in July
Guilt	Shows my connection to our family
	Drives us to visit as much as possible
	Shows that I don't want to live with regret
Feeling defective	Shows that I'm honest about my flaws
	Shows I feel that I'm not doing a good job supporting others, so it means I have high standards in my relationships
	Shows that I'm vulnerable
Lonely	Shows my love for my dad and the important role he plays in my children's life
	Shows how strongly that I value relationships
	Motivates me
Hopelessness	Shows I am being realistic
	Prevents me from getting my hopes up too high
	Prepares me for the inevitable
	Makes me value and make each moment count
	Might decide to discontinue the chemo if it causes problems and isn't helpful
	Makes me more vigilant
Frustration	Shows I haven't given up or thrown in the towel
Anger	I will fight and contest this!

Now you can review Rose's Emotions table at the end of Positive Reframing, showing her goals for each emotion when we used the Magic Dial. The idea is to dial each feeling down to a lower level that would reduce your suffering, while still allowing you to preserve all the awesome things about you!

Emotions	% Now	% Goal	% After	Emotions	% Now	% Goal	% After
Sad, depressed, down, unhappy	100	50-60		Lonely, alone	80	10
Anxious, worried, frightened	100	30		Hopeless, discouraged, pessimistic, despairing	90	10
Guilty	80	15		Defeated	70	20
Defective	70	10		Angry	80	25

As you can see, she wanted to dial all of her feelings down to low levels, with the exception of her sadness, which was an expression of her love for her dad.

M = Methods

We used Explain the Distortions, the Double Standard Technique, and the Externalization of Voices, including the CAT (Counter-Attack Technique).

Here's how Rose challenged Negative Thought #1.

1. He's going to die; we're running out of time.

100

50

No distortions

We're all going to die, but I can be present on those moments when we are together.

100

David discussed healthy vs unhealthy grief, and shared some stories of love and loss. He also talked about the concept of sadness as celebration. In this case, a celebration of Rose's love for her Dad. The impending loss, of course, is tragic, but the wonderful father daughter relationship is beautiful and perhaps somewhat scarce, as so many people have not had such a beautiful relationship with their parents.

At the end, Rose said the session was "incredible and special" You can take a look at her end of session scores on the Daily Mood Log (link).

After the session, Rose sent the following email:

Hello David and Rhonda,

Thank you so much for that amazing session today. I am feeling so much more contentment and gratitude after talking with you both. I even feel lighter and more hopeful.

The key insight for me was realizing how special and precious this relationship is that I have, and rather than focusing on what I won't have. It sounds like a cliché, but it is true for me and seems to have freed up a weight.

I will definitely do my homework, and will can send you the completed DML after listening to the session as that may help. And as for sharing with my dad, I'm going to be calling him to tell him what a wonderful session I had and that when it is published he can listen to it so as to have and share this beautiful experience.

Thank you so much once again!

Rose Markotic

Thank you for listening today!

Rhonda, Rose, and David