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Kump

25 - I'll Smash This TV With a Hammer

Kump

Ray Kump

Comedy

4.8548 Ratings

🗓️ 15 July 2019

⏱️ 47 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Ray gives advice to someone's sister about getting into mortuary science,  and talks about getting his shirt stolen and his awful roommates who might have done it.

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

Hello, welcome to Kump.

0:20.0

I'm back in the closet where I record from while Lucy sleeps.

0:25.7

But now Lucy's been using this for her own purposes to record her own thing.

0:31.4

I'm finding coffee in here, a laptop.

0:35.1

I feel like a rat.

0:37.4

We live in a subway subway like a subway station

0:39.9

some fat rat and i came back in my shitty rat's nest to put the shit like literally the human

0:48.6

shit that they found when they quote someone's up someone's ass. And that's what rats do, right?

0:54.8

I mean, like,

0:55.1

they steal shit.

0:56.3

They eat food and they go through the subways,

0:59.3

just crawling up.

1:00.2

If I was a rat,

1:00.9

I would just crawl up people's assholes

1:03.1

and, like, steal shit out of their asshole

1:05.4

before they shit it.

1:07.2

And then, you know,

1:09.3

like, take it out of their ass and then hide it. And then, you know, just, because rats are dumb. You know, you're acting like, why would a rat do that? I don't know. It's a fucking rat. I don't know. You didn't go to college. Excuse me. Dr. I'm drinking some delicious diet, have to see, straight from the two-liter bottle.

1:30.1

My voice is cracky in the morning.

1:32.4

It's a morning.

1:33.9

Why are the rats steal shit out of your asshole?

1:36.3

I don't, I mean, you've seen a rat?

...

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