235. The 5 Reasons You Aren’t Having Sex & Why Desire Doesn’t Even Matter

Honeydew Me

Cassandra Anderson

Self-improvement, Education, Sexuality, Health & Fitness

4.8 • 533 Ratings

🗓️ 8 October 2025

⏱️ 74 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Struggling with mismatched desire or a dry spell that won’t end? You’re not broken, and neither is your relationship. This week, sex therapist Vanessa Marin, who has 20 years of experience in the field, and her husband Xander, a self-proclaimed “regular dude," reveal the five most common reasons couples stop having sex and explain why desire might not be the problem you think it is. We cover: Why desire isn’t the foundation of a great sex life. Vanessa explains why waiting to “feel in the mood” can actually block connection and intimacy. The top five reasons couples stop having sex. From resentment to routine, Vanessa and Xander unpack what really gets in the way and how to fix it. How to reconnect when sex feels like a chore. Practical tools for rebuilding closeness without pressure or guilt. The difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. Learn why expecting to just “feel it” can lead to frustration, and how to work with your body instead. How to talk about sex without it turning into a fight. Simple scripts and strategies for starting honest, non-defensive conversations. Why long-term desire is a skill, not a spark. Vanessa and Xander share how to cultivate passion and playfulness at every stage of a relationship. How to create a sex life that feels equal and exciting. Real advice for ditching resentment, sharing initiation, and rediscovering fun in bed. Connect with Vanessa and Xander: Join DEEPER Here! Visit their website HERE! Buy their book HERE! ⁠⁠Join our Patreon and access exclusive content HERE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hello, you're a gem shine when the light grows dim.
0:04.3	See one, two, three, four, three, two, one.
0:08.0	Because no one can do it like who we do it, like who we do it, like we do it, like we do it, like we do it.
0:15.6	Hello.
0:28.5	Welcome to Honeydimmy podcast. I'm Emma. And I'm Cass, and this is our podcast where we talk about sex,
0:33.0	relationships, mental health, all of the things that we are told should come so easily. But if you're like us, you don't come so easily. I was hoping you would take that one. Good.
0:37.6	Unless you've got the right toy.
0:39.2	But how do you know what the right toy is?
0:40.9	I'm going to tell you my top two favorites.
0:42.5	If it's...
0:43.1	Thank you.
0:44.1	I was going to say if it's suck in my clit.
0:46.4	And I was upset that my brain thought that was an appropriate thing to say.
0:52.5	Holy.
0:54.6	God, it is 2 p.m.
0:57.4	We are just diving in.
1:00.5	Anyways, I love a clitoral sucking toy.
1:02.9	Thank you.
1:03.2	Is there a different way to say that?
1:05.1	Clit suck, bra.
1:06.6	I love a clit suck toy and I love a want.
1:09.7	Those are the things that are going to get me there in 30 seconds or less.
	...

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