#230: How Do I Know My New Partner Will Be Better Than My Last One? (Ask Steph)
On Attachment
Stephanie Rigg
4.9 • 1.2K Ratings
🗓️ 5 February 2026
⏱️ 6 minutes
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Summary
In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question that will feel very familiar to anyone with anxious attachment: How can I be certain that my new partner will be better for me than my last one?
On the surface, this question makes sense. After being hurt, blindsided, or disappointed in past relationships, of course we want reassurance that it won’t happen again. But underneath it, there’s often a deeper issue at play — a lack of self-trust, and an anxious belief that it’s our job to prevent pain by being hyper-vigilant, prepared, and on guard.
In this episode, I unpack why this question, while understandable, can actually keep you stuck in anxiety rather than moving you towards healthier relationships. We explore the difference between discernment and hypervigilance, and why trying to “de-risk” relationships often backfires.
Rather than aiming for certainty or guarantees, this conversation invites a shift towards trusting yourself — your capacity to notice, respond, self-advocate, and take care of yourself as relationships unfold.
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Now, are all the traitors present? Let's get started, shall we? |
| 0:04.5 | From rags to riches. I'm so sick of this. Working like a dog and being treated worse. |
| 0:09.1 | Yorkshire to New York. Poor climbers, you and me. |
| 0:12.4 | A life dedicated to revenge. Let's make this an occasion to remember. |
| 0:16.9 | A woman of substance on Channel 4. Stream now. |
| 0:19.8 | Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. |
| 0:23.8 | In today's episode of Ask Steff, I am answering the question of, |
| 0:27.9 | how can I be certain that my new partner will be better for me than the last one? |
| 0:32.3 | So I think that this is a question that a lot of anxiously attached people will ask themselves. |
| 0:37.6 | And I chuckled when I read it because, and saying this was so much love, it is such an anxious |
| 0:42.9 | question, right? |
| 0:43.9 | It is a question that is grounded in a lack of self-trust and this sense of, I need to be on the |
| 0:50.6 | lookout for people who are going to hurt me. |
| 0:53.7 | And that's really like what anxiety does, |
| 0:56.0 | what our nervous system does is go, what are all of the ways that I've been hurt in the past and |
| 1:00.8 | how can I ensure that I don't get hurt in the same way again in the future? And on a fundamental |
| 1:05.6 | level, like, that's a good system. That is the protective intent behind our nervous system, |
| 1:10.7 | is to catalog |
| 1:12.2 | everything that we've experienced and go, what was good, what was bad, for the bad stuff, |
| 1:16.9 | how can I try and make sure that that doesn't happen again? But I think when it comes to |
| 1:21.2 | relationships, what that does is have us on edge and on guard and convinced that everyone is out to get us and that it's only a |
| 1:30.9 | matter of time and that no one can be trusted and that even if things are good now, they're |
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