It's the period between Christmas and New Year.

So, you're probably just sat there rolling around on your back,

smashing chocolate into your legs and filling your footst bar with baillies for a luxurious soak.

But won't you spare a thought for the publican this Christmas? The poor publican scowling at his customers,

saying things like, it's all right for you, I'm the only person in the world that has to work on

Christmas Day. To top it all, I've even got a bit of a cold coming on. Can you hear it? I'm

got a bit of a cold coming on. That's ridiculous. It's not even literally cold out there.

By our course, I don't get any sympathy. Last night I tried to get sympathy off a big fat man.

Big fat man, I said. Why do you plague me so? All I want to do is go to bed.'

"'Dood,' he replied.

"'It struck me as a odd thing for a man his age to say.

"'I am literally paying your wages right now.

"'And not indirectly through taxation like a policeman.

"'I are literally handing you money that you can draw from your business in the form of taxable wages.

Instead of sympathy, why don't you go and suck a Christmas dick and choke on a clump of New Year pubs, you pissy-nicked infant?

But I'm all sniffly, I sobbed.

Why are you being so mean to me?

Hey now, replied a young man whose pleasant face made me kinder to him than I was to most other people.

You look happy to see us all year round. What is Christmas? The time when you show us what an

ungrateful piece of parasitical shit you really are.

You don't understand, I sobbed, helping myself to a large slug of Calvedos and stuffing bags of 50 peas into my pockets.

I've got the hardest and most difficult life in the world.

...