Hey there, today's episode is hosted by the poet Dianelli Antigua.

Enjoy, and I'll be back on June 22nd.

I'm Dianelli Antigua, and this is The Slowdown.

Thank you. Antiqua, and this is the slowdown. I was the slowdown. I was four years old the first time I went to a funeral. My aunt had passed away after a battle with cancer. We knew she was going to die when she started giving away her things. To me, she gave her collection of cabbage patch dolls. I remember holding those dolls, not fully understanding the weight of this goodbye, but knowing it was the final one.

I wasn't protected from her death, and I find myself grateful for that now.

Growing up, the older relatives in my family would say things like

When I die.

It wasn't said in hushed tones.

It was part of conversation, very matter-of-fact, at times part of a joke.

But in every instance, they were acknowledging

the inevitable without turning away from it. When it comes to death, we often have a need to witness.

It is our human instinct to see and touch, to hear their silence.

I remember wondering why it was called awake service and learning that it comes from staying awake,

from keeping vigil over the body before burial.

We're keeping the dead company as they transition,

much like we would with a friend at a train station

before they move across the country.

And yet, there are deaths I have wanted to turn away from.

Once, a mouse drowned in a rice pot I left soaking in the sink.

I didn't want to see it.

That was a death I wanted to be shielded from.

We move towards some deaths and away from others.

...