The following is an archived podcast presented by the Branson and Hudson Foundation for Podcast Recovery.

This podcast is entitled Bastards Day. It is the first and only episode of the podcast. Welcome to episode one.

Hold up. That sad looking kid holding the wilting flowers. Uh, that's me. My name is Teddy Bolton, but my friends call me Raz.

This was supposed to be the best summer of my life.

I had just graduated high school.

I had a smoking hot girlfriend.

I had just got a full boat scholarship to Rowdy State University in the fall,

and I had finally restored my dad's vintage 1988 Chevy Camaro.

I had plans to cruise around the beach all summer, my girl in one arm and sipping a yoo and the other, driving with my knees.

But then, well, the universe must have remembered that I'm a dork,

because at the first party of the spring, Bucky Nuts pants me, and everyone saw my long balls.

Everybody laughed. My hot little piece of a girlfriend, Jenny Kaminsky, dumped me via TikTok

by Fortnite dancing

with her new boyfriend, Tanner Dongman, the captain of the freaking roughhousing team.

I can't compete with that.

Then, to make things even worse, I learned that I had lost my Rowdy State scholarship

because I had posted too much cringe on the timeline.

And, oh man, I thought at least I still got my sick Camaro.

That's worth a few handskies under the boardwalk, if you know what I mean.

But then, of course, it got pushed off of lover's ledge and wrecked.

How was I supposed to know the girl I was necking with was Tegan and Sarah's daughter?

You know, from the band Tegan and Sarah? how was I supposed to know they were that protective?

...