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And then eventually I just wanted to do it again.

Okay, let me ask you about that. So, so I'm thinking he dumps you, it wasn't that gratifying, you feel all the guilt and shame.

One thing that you might expect would would occur to you would be, well I'm never doing that again until I married.

That was such a bad experience on all fronts. I'm done, I'm going to repent now and I'm good until I'm married.

Now that's just me being logical. Tell me how that wasn't, tell me why that wasn't how it followed, how it progressed.

If you even have a sense for why, is it just again, hormones or drive recreacity or just shame, what would drive you to keep going?

I didn't like how it happened, I wanted to redo it over again.

I also felt very guilty about it, I've started even, you know, over time I started feeling horrible.

Guilty, just so I was shaming myself, judging myself, convincing myself I was horrible, I was bad.

I think I just wanted it, I don't know, I wanted to do it again to make me feel not as guilty, like make it a normal thing, I don't have to explain it like it.

I wanted to do it again so it wasn't a big deal somehow in my mind, that's how I took it.

So I was working at this gas station at the time, I'm out caramel junction on your way to Zion.

I got a lot of attention from guys in there, like I loved it, you know, different bus drivers or just people always asking me for my number and it was awesome.

It made me feel good just because of how insecure I was and how lonely I was, it was something I actually loved going to work and looking forward to things.

That's not to sound conceited, that's to explain how sad I was and I was creating attention and love and just attention, like I didn't get the right kind.

And so it made me feel good about myself.

Which was, it's not a good thing, it's not a good thing that that's what makes you feel good about yourself.

Being sexually attractive to other men.

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