Hi everyone it's another episode of the savvy psychologist I'm your

host Dr Ellen Hendrickson and every week I'll help you meet life's challenges

with evidence-based research, a sympathetic

ear, and zero judgment.

So an anonymous listener wrote in and asked how to help someone who is grieving. And our listener is worried she'll say the wrong thing, cause her friend more pain and generally

make things worse. But she's not alone. We often worry so much about comforting the right way that sometimes we end up saying nothing at all.

So how do we stop feeling awkward and guilty? Well this week we'll cover four reasons

someone else's grief makes us clam up and how to come out of our shells.

So barrier number one is you don't know what to say and feeling tongue-tide is the most common barrier.

We don't know what to say because we feel powerless.

We want to fix things or take the pain away and there are no words in the world that can do that. So a good go-to when you can't

channel your inner Hallmark store is this recipe. It's simple, sincere, and conveys three

messages. So here it is. One, this is hard, two, I care about you, and three, I'm here for you.

And there are a zillion variations on this theme. So for example you might say what you're going through is awful but I love you so call me any time day or night.

Or you could say I'm so sorry about Don's passing. You are so important to our family, so how can we help you out?

Or just simply state the basic recipe. This is hard. I care about you. I'm here for you.

And quite honestly, even if you can't remember the three components and end up mumbling a

cliche like I'm sorry for your loss or my sincere condolences, it's fine. Those time-honored phrases won't win any

creativity contests, but if they convey your concern and come from the heart,

they're not cliches anymore, they're support. You can even sit in silence. It's awkward, but it's your presence,

not your words that are most important.

Barrier number two, you're worried you're intruding.

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