This episode of the Mother Crusher's podcast is brought to you by Storytime with CA.

Read to you by CA.

Tis the sneezing.

The Halloween candy aisle hadn't even been cleared before some of y'all had your Christmas trees up,

peppermint, pine, cranberry-scented candles lit, and orders placed for your ugliest Christmas

sweaters. Well, allow me to throw a grinch in those wintry wishes. The only thing that I despise

about fall is that it's right before winter. It's cold in December, y'all. It's chapped nose kind of cold. I never even knew a nose could be chapped until I got drug up here to Missouri from Alabama. Everything starts to shrivel up and flake away. Change clothes and a piece of your body goes flying through the air like snow.

You gotta spend two months either bathing in body butter,

try not to leak your car mix and slather in yourself in argon oil,

or just go ahead and turn to dust.

And don't even get me started on the germs.

Only in winter does everyone look panicked and paranoid at church mass. I can give you peace from over here. Thank you. I saw you

wiping your kids snot with your fingers. My piece I give to you, but you can keep your flu.

Y'all got your balls of scented peppermint bark out.

I've got bowls of elderberry gummies in every room.

My kids will be handing out hand sanitizer stocking stuffers at the Christmas party,

but your kids will still get them sick regardless.

You know what happens when they get sick?

I get sick. It's hard not to when you're the one catching the vomit in your hands, having food sneezed into your eyes, an air

coughed directly from their mouth into yours. If you haven't swallowed your kids cough air,

we can't be friends.

I kissed my child's snot once.

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