When I was in my early teens, I had a friend who, for the sake of her privacy, I'm going

to refer to her during this episode as Helen.

Helen was so thin.

Helen was so malnourished that her hair was breaking off.

Her nails were thin and brittle and even her skin was fl flaky and almost translucent. It was pale.

She bruised easily. And then I remember even on the hottest days or even in the stuffiest of

stuffy classrooms, it seemed like Helen was always complaining that she was feeling cold.

And now as an adult, looking back, I can see so many causes for alarm.

I can see so many reasons that I should have ignored Helen's pleas that I not tell anyone,

especially her parents, about the time that I found her gagging herself after eating a big

lunch at school, or about how she was

so weak and so fatigued that she was constantly falling asleep during class but at the time

even after I found her passed out out cold on the floor of the girls restroom rather. Rather than feeling concerned, rather than feeling worried and afraid about the health and the safety of my friend,

do you know what I remember feeling and thinking?

I hate even admitting this here.

But when we know better, we do better right.

At the time, I remember feeling jealous.

I remember feeling jealous of Helen's discipline.

I remember feeling weak and feeling ashamed.

I remember thinking that the reason that I would never be thin and fit and beautiful like Helen was,

or like all those stars were who I idolized on television and in magazines,

was because I didn't have that same level of commitment or inner grit that Helen did.

...