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Your first dog.

I received a question yesterday from a boy named Robert.

Dear Mr. Sean, my mom told me to ask you if you think I should buy a dog, I will be nine in March.

Thank you.

Well, firstly, Robert, you have an impressively wise mother.

Secondly, you've done the right thing become it to me, since I have extensive, immeasurable

knowledge in this field.

See, Robert, every dog-loving stiff knows pet ownership changes your life.

No longer can you do the things you used to do, like eat and sleep and think and pay taxes or watch

television. Imagine this. You settle down to watch Sesame Street. You prop your feet up, you settle

down and crack open an ice-cold can of Ovotene, and let out a satisfied sigh. But as soon as you

do this, your dog begins suffering from serious bladder pains.

And even though Cookie Monster is in classic form today, your pet's urinary system just hit

red level, and now it's a threat to your mom's living room rug. So your dog starts whining

...