You can't be remote. Anyone who has read about aristocratic British parenting can't help but be appalled. Children were not only not seen, but not heard from, for years. They were shipped off to schools. They were expected to carry incredible burdens and

deliver on the aspirations of their family, with little to no concern whether their personal

aspirations were aligned in the slightest. But it's a mistake to think that this was simply

a practice of the past. The kind of selfish neglect, this kind of selfish neglect is something parents can be equally guilty of in the modern era, for the same reasons it was possible in earlier generations.

They weren't paying attention to how the decisions they made affected others around them.

In her fascinating book, Lady in Waiting, Lady Glenn Connor, a confident of Princess Margaret,

and a scion of one of Britain's best families, details her surprise at her children's view

of their experiences. Despite my best efforts, she writes her adult children describe their parents

as remote figures in their

childhood. Of course they were. Her entire memoir is filled with stories of her trips, her travels,

her months on exotic islands in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. It's filled with the minutia of affairs

and gossip of building and remodeling houses of fancy dinners and famous friends.

Hearing her child describe her as remote instantly strikes her as true, but as she says,

I never thought about it like that until she said those words, until he said those words.

That's sort of the point, right? How could you not think about the effect of your decisions on your children? There is a moment in the crown which fictually captures the same self-absorption. Princess Diana is reluctant to tour Australia without taking her younger son, without taking her young son. We toured Australia for five months without Charles when he was a baby,

Queen Elizabeth says. She thinks this is an argument, but Princess Margaret makes an knowing face,

as it explains in a sentence exactly what's wrong with the moody, needy, and resentful Charles.

The point is it's not the practices themselves that are the problem.

It's the ignorance of their consequences. It's the not thinking about until you're told about

the impact of your not thinking about it. It's the self-absorption and the putting yourself first.

Remember, you signed up for this. You brought them into this world. It doesn't matter what your job is. It doesn't matter how cool the opportunity is or how important the responsibility is. You can't be remote and then wonder years later why your kids aren't close.