Welcome to All There Is. Wherever you are in your grief, you're not alone, and I'm glad you're here.

It's my brother's birthday in a couple days. It's another one of those days on the calendar that I've always dreaded.

Carter Cooper would be turning 61 on January 27th. He killed himself when he was 23. It's incredible to me that it has been 38 years,

and still how he died, the horror of it, the violence. It overshadows everything about his life

for me. And I wish that wasn't the case, and I hope that one day it won't be. I spoke recently on

All There Is Live, my streaming show on CNN.com slash all there is with a mom named Chrissy Kay

whose son Forrest died by suicide six years ago and she talked about how her grief this year

has changed in a way that allows her to see her son again as he was, not just as he died.

This year, like a change happened.

It wasn't like there was like this precipitating event like, oh, now things are different.

This year, I entered September. Okay. precipitating event like, oh, now things are different this year.

I entered September without my gut twisting, without having this feeling of dread.

And I was like, this is curious, what's going on here?

And then I continued to feel not just okay, but like good,

that I was feeling him in ways that I haven't been able to

and not like signs, but just like love.

Like it just, I'm like, oh, I can, I can reach you now.

I can find you here however you appear.

I find you in my heart.

And before I feel like it was, the anchor to him ended up being like finding him.

That was the anchor.

That tether was like the closest memory of him that I had.

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