I have no self-esteem.

I'm not saying I dislike myself, or that I have a problem with my self-image, and I don't have low self-esteem.

I'm just saying that I have no self-esteem at all.

Why? For the same reason that I have no pet unicorns.

Self-esteem is a fantasy. It's a meaningless fabrication that exists only in your imagination.

The dictionary defines a steam this way, to regard with admiration.

Self-esteem, therefore, means to regard yourself with admiration.

But is that how we should see ourselves?

If someone asked you who you admire, would you really want to answer, well, I admire myself?

Would that be a good thing? I would say no, emphatically.

I was hardly a precocious kid, but I think I realized this self-esteem thing was a racket as far back as junior high.

I remember when the guidance counselor at my school handed out a worksheet and asked us to rate our self-esteem on a scale of 1 to 10.

Meanwhile, kids in China were learning silly things like math and science.

Now, we're bankrupt and they own the country, but at least we all feel pretty good about ourselves.

In any case, there we were, facing the important task of arbitrarily quantifying our egos.

When I asked my teacher why I should have high self-esteem, she said, because you're special.

When I asked why I was special, she said, because you're you.

I found this in odd statement at the time coming as it was from the woman who just given me a D on my last math quiz.

Most of my classmates, though, quickly jotted down 9s and 10s.

Incidentally, some of them would grow up to become unemployed alcoholics, but I'm guessing if they could take that test again, they'd score themselves exactly the same.

See, that's the whole point of self-esteem. To be proud of yourself, even when there's no reason to be proud of yourself.

Of course, apologists will claim that self-esteem is simply about confidence, and that you need confidence to succeed in life.

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