I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills.

Skills I have acquired over a very long career. I will look for you. I will find you.

And I will kill you.

And I will kill you. Oh, Hello internet. Welcome to Game Theory where we analyze cartoon physics with a seriousness

usually reserved for overworked mechanical engineering undergrads.

But now with the release of Mario Kartate Deluxe, uh, should I say re-release of Mario Kartate?

Huh, no, who am I kidding?

No one cared enough about the Wii U to play that thing.

Anyway, Mario Kartate, it's out, it's fun, 200 CC is brutal. Let's theorize.

Now at this point, you all know how I roll when it comes to Mario theories.

I'm constantly on the lookout for the sickest, scariest, most violent, dangerous, and depraved deaths of good old Mario Jumpman Mario's adventures.

But even I've got to admit, Mario Kart 8 may be the single most horrific Mario game out there.

And that is saying a lot for this twisted world of brotherly rivalries, sociopathic domination,

and failing father figures. But I assure you, internet. socioeconomic at home, these carts are death machines. No helmets, no seat belts, all danger.

Surprised about that seatbelt thing, by the way, yeah. Me too, I thought for sure that

Nintendo would need to add that in to remain child friendly or something,

but no, they're riding strapless the whole time.

Even in that shameless bit of product placement they got in there, the Mercedes-GLA,

it's an unlockable cart in the game.

It's a car ad. It'd be like if I put a big honk

and Mercedes in the video right now and they paid me for it and then I didn't

properly photoshopped a seatbelt over my poorly photoshopped body. You know that's

...