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This is LV, from Global, leading Britain's conversation.

Mystery Hour with James O'Brien.

Oh, hallelujah.

Five minutes after 12 is the time.

What we won't be addressing this hour is the mystery of when is an apology, not an apology, but I'll give you a bit of a clue.

It's when it contains an if or a butt, even if the butt is silent or the if is silent.

It's like, I'm sorry if you're offended. I'm sorry if I've upset you. No, you're not sorry then, are you?

You're moving the onus of responsibility onto the person who is offended by in Jim

Rackcliffe's case blatant racism. Anyway, it is Mystery Hour now. Let's begin Mystery Hour.

Those of you tuning in for the podcast, which is extraordinarily popular, by the way,

the Mystery Hour podcast, have no idea what I was just talking about. So my apologies

and my greetings to you.

This is your weekly opportunity to achieve the sort of satisfaction, not ordinarily available anywhere else, on your radio dial, or indeed in your podcast library.

People will ring in, although not if you're listening on the podcast, which is very popular, by the way.

And then other people will ring in and answer their questions.

Because the bit I missed out was that the first people who ring in will ask questions.

And then the second people who ring and will answer.

...