Episode 43 – When You and Your Siblings Don't Agree

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For those of us that have siblings we grew up playing together, celebrating holidays, and birthdays. They became our first best friend, and we have many wonderful memories with them through our childhood. But as we began to get older those moments slowly became less frequent as we began our lives as adults. It typically starts when one goes off to college and then graduating and starting their new careers - sometimes requiring them to relocate - and then eventually getting married and starting their own families.

If you're fortunate when the time comes that your parents begin needing more assistance you and your siblings will work together to find the best solution for your parent’s needs. However, the reality is that not all families have that benefit and for many families there are divisions and other factors that divide siblings rather than unite them.

There can be any number of reasons for the division. Maybe the siblings were never close growing up or one of the siblings feel that their opinion or input is never sought or considered and in some cases one sibling may have been chosen as the power of attorney over their other siblings causing resentment and hurt.

If you're like most families, there is probably somewhere in the middle of these extremes that you and your siblings find yourselves.

If caring for your parents is causing further division, we want to help provide some tips for ways that you can recognize the issues and deal with them so that you can find ways to get your siblings help and support.

There are usually several factors that can cause these issues to begin or reignite - things like resentment, sharing responsibilities, the type of care that is chosen, financial disagreements, inheritance issues, and decisions on end of life care.

There is no silver bullet for families when it comes to these very personal and intimate decisions. There are often times already an established history that needs to be overcome and for the benefit of everyone in the family they need to be put aside. But sometimes that it a lot easier said than done. We are going to go through and offer tips that we hope can help families and siblings work together to help care for their parents.

Typically, in our experience the most common reason for siblings arguing is time. There is usually one sibling that has more flexibility and time to help with their parents care and needs. This doesn't mean that the other siblings don't care or don’t want to help too. It usually means that the other siblings have less time and flexibility to help, even though they would if they could.  This can lead to resentment really quickly if the sibling helping with all of the care starts to feel taken advantage of or doesn't feel appreciated. This can lead to arguments and even eventually lead them to feeling entitled to financial incentives since they are the ones doing everything.

However, that same sibling who seems to have more availability and flexibility may not be the one who volunteers themselves to help care for their parents. There could be a number of reasons for that. They may not feel comfortable or qualified to be their parent’s caregiver, or they may not feel comfortable helping to provide their parent’s personal care and resent their siblings volunteering them for the job. This can cause them to avoid their siblings and even their parents so that they don't feel trapped into the role.

So, what's the solution? It can be very hard to divide the responsibilities and as a parent continues to decline it can mean you'll being taking on roles that you never intended to. Trying to delegate and share roles and responsibilities where all siblings feel as though everyone is doing their equal share is a tremendous task. The best solution and simplest is communication.

Ideally, before your parents need care and the family find themselves in the dilemma of who's going to do what gather the family together and discuss roles that each of the siblings will be responsible for. This can help avoid making decisions under the pressure of urgency when the time comes. If you’re currently caring for your parents now and everyone has their roles, ask if someone’s role isn't working for them or if any of them don't feel comfortable in their role it’s a good time to setup a family meeting and talk over the roles everyone has and see how you can find a role better suited for each of you.

Having a care team can help reduce the stresses and dilemmas that often accompany families and siblings when their parents need care. The benefit of having a care team approach is that it allows everyone to know what their role is and assigning them towards the strength of each sibling. The way it would work would be that one sibling would be the contact person so that appointments, prescriptions, and other communication will go through them and then they can pass it along to the rest of the siblings. This also helps to minimize multiple siblings and often times even the parents getting phone calls from different places and then ultimately getting lost in communication. This will keep appointments and any other communication consolidated to one person. Another sibling can be the point person for when there are difficult discussions or more challenging moments with the parents.

There are many roles and responsibilities that each family will find that they need for their care team in their specific situation. We have seen roles rotate, where one month this sibling will be the contact person and then next month, they will be the caregiver every Sunday and then rotate their role again. There is no right or wrong way to delegate and schedule the roles that the siblings decide is best for them.

Remember this though, every sibling will have their strengths and things that they are good at and that they feel comfortable with and they will have weaknesses and things that make them uncomfortable. Sometimes the perception of a sibling when they don’t volunteer or want to do something isn’t because they don’t care it may be because they aren’t comfortable with doing it. For instance, maybe one of your siblings has the job to take your parents to their doctor appointments and they find that it is too difficult for them, but they are good at calming your parents and helping them understand their care and medical condition. They may be better suited in other ways that can be equally as helpful and important.

Everyone can play a supportive and equally important role that you can work together to find and doing this will ultimately lead to better communication and morale for each of the siblings and the parents too.

However, if you have a sibling that doesn’t seem to want to help and you’ve tried speaking with them and explaining what you were hoping to have them help with you may have to accept that they are not going to help. Respect their decision and focus on the areas and things you are able to change. That sounds a whole lot easier said than done and we understand that. Just remember that you’re doing the right thing and they may regret the memories and moments that they won’t be sharing with your parents and you’ll have those memories to cherish and know that you treated your parents with love and dignity.

When dealing with sibling issues and at times disfunction it can be encouraging to hope that you’ll be able to talk with them and mend any past issues or hurt and they’ll help support the care and needs that their parents have. However, don’t allow yourself to have false expectations that lead to disappointment and further hurt and division. They could surprise you and you both offer forgiveness and agree to put those issues aside for the care of your parents. Just remember, it’s not fair to put the parents in the middle and expect them to interject and play peacekeeper when they are dealing with their health issues and well-being.

If you find that you need more help than you can give or that your siblings are able to contribute families often times hire professional care and services to help fill the void that they are unable to fill. This will involve financial discussions and decisions to be made and often times financial discussions can lead to siblings arguing over how, when, what, and where the money should be spent. This is another example of why communication and planning can play a critical role and another good reason to have discussions about the wishes of the parents prior to needing the care.

If a discussion about care options and long-term care planning takes place prior to when the care is needed often times the parents can contribute to how they feel about the decisions and options that they would like have, and it can also allow the family to develop a financial budget so that everyone is on the same page. Having a financial budget and plan also allows everyone to see what the money is being used for and how much is being used. This can help with any concerns that siblings may have about finances being accounted for and being used properly.

Remember that each sibling can have a different opinion and view on their parents’ condition and what’s best for them. If one of the siblings lives out of state or a long-distance away it can be more difficult for them to feel completely a part of the care team and it can also lead to them having a different outlook and perspective on how their parents are doing. This can lead to disagreements and arguments over what’s best for them and how they’re really doing. Whereas the sibling who lives locally and is able to see their parents everyday has an entirely different perspective and outlook than their long-distance sibling. This is very common and there are several solutions to help avoid the disagreements and help them feel informed and in the know.

As often as possible communicate with them regularly and speak with them directly so that they feel involved. When there are doctor appointments or any other notable appointments or changes in their condition call them and when there are doctor appointments make sure to let them know in advance and ask them if they can attend the appointment by phone. This does a couple of things; it lets them speak with the doctor and ask any questions that they have, and it also lets them feel a part of the appointment and involved more directly in their parents’ care.

There are no guarantees when siblings disagree or have disputes over their parents’ care. We have seen some families become very torn apart with deep hurt and division over care decisions for their parents. The sad part is that usually these arguments are because the siblings only want what’s best for their parents except, they each have differing opinions on what they consider the best is for their parents. The key is still communication and tackling any disagreements directly and openly. Ask for everyone to be respectful and to share what their concerns are or what they would like to see happen and remind everyone that everyone wants the same thing and that is whatever is best for your parents.

After everyone has shared and given their input the sibling in charge or the sibling who was made power of attorney needs to make the decision that they feel is in their parent’s best interest. Hopefully, everyone will remain respectful and understand that their input is valued and wanted and will remember that everyone wants the same thing and that is whatever is in the best interest of your parents.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to.

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Sources:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/sibling-disputes-about-elderly-parents-care-134376.htm

 

https://www.tn-elderlaw.com/free-resources/blog/july-2017/when-you-and-your-siblings-can-t-agree-on-an-elder

 

https://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/info-07-2013/family-siblings-aging-parents-jacobs/