On today’s Quick Tips episode, we are talking about how to handle siblings who are in denial about a parent’s health. First, we’ll talk about ways you can understand denial and why your siblings may be in denial about your parent’s health. Then, we’ll move on to ways you can approach your parent’s health with your siblings. Finally, we’ll talk about a few different communication tactics you can use when talking about your parent’s health with your siblings. Now let’s move on to the rest of the show.

 

In a blog post for the Arbors, Sondra Jones writes that no one wants to watch their parents get older. If your brother or sister really doesn’t want to think about them aging and what that means for your family, they might be trying to protect themselves by refusing to accept the truth about the situation. In other words, they’re in denial.

 

Denial is a coping mechanism that your siblings use in order to protect themselves from having to think about what having an aging parent needing care really means for them and the rest of your family. Denial is normal, but it can be harmful if it is not overcome in a timely manner.

 

There are several reasons your siblings may be in denial. Like I just mentioned earlier, they may be using denial as a coping mechanism so that they don’t have to think about your parents getting closer to death.

 

Distance is another big factor for denial. If your siblings live farther away and are unable to see your parents regularly, they will be unable to see the state of decline you see in your parent’s health.

 

AgingCare states that even with updates and warnings, a long-distance sibling doesn’t always get the full picture of how their parent is doing or what caregiving entails on a daily basis. To complicate things further, elders will often perk up when their less involved adult children show up to visit. That’s only natural.

 

This phenomenon is often referred to as “showtiming,” especially in elders who have Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia. The parent rallies, excited to see their long-lost child, much to the primary caregiver’s annoyance. But this isn’t just frustrating. Showtiming can also make it appear to occasional visitors that reports of their parent’s decline have been exaggerated.

 

Many times, especially in parents that have dementia or Alzheimer’s, once your sibling leaves and is no longer around and your loved one’s excitement has time to regress, they revert back to the state they are usually in and may even forget that your sibling had come for a visit.

 

Author of Minding Our Elders, Carol Bradley Bursack, shares her personal experience with this. She says that that happened once after my brother and his wife visited when our mom was declining. She had looked forward to the visit for weeks.

 

My brother and sister-in-law arrived as planned, spent time with Mom, and then traveled back to their distant home. Afterward, Mom continued to ask me when they were coming. She was still looking forward to their visit and had completely forgotten that it had already happened. It nearly broke my heart to tell her they had been here over the weekend, but I couldn’t lie about something so important to her. We caregivers have to do some pretty dreadful stuff.

 

Unfortunately, Carol’s experience is more common than we would hope it would be. Caring for a loved one with dementia or other cognitive health issues takes a lot of work and it is important to make sure that you have the support system you need to provide the care your loved ones need. If you are interested in learning more about caring for a loved one with dementia, please check out our website for more episodes!

 

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about what denial is and why your siblings may be in denial, let’s move on to ways you can approach your siblings about your parent’s health.

 

When your siblings are in denial about your parent’s health, they may not want to talk about it with you. Watching your parents’ health decline isn’t easy for you, and it’s not easy for your siblings either. The best thing you can do is to let your siblings know that you are there for them and that they can come to you with any questions or fears that they have about your parent’s situation. Letting them know that you are open to communication is a great first step to talking to your siblings about your parent’s health.

 

When you decide it is time to talk to your siblings about your parent’s health and care situation, set a date and time and plan a meeting in advance so that everyone can take time to prepare and make sure that they are available. Having the meeting in person is best, but you can do a video call if you are not all able to get together in the same place at once. Video calls still allow you to see how your siblings react to news and allow you to pick up on visual cues that you would miss if you only talked through a phone call or email.

 

As the sibling that is currently around your parents the most, it is your job to present the quote-unquote case to your siblings. You are the one that is around your parents the most and you know what state their health is actually in. Having recent doctor visit notes available can help you give more credibility to what you’re saying. Some people need facts and figures to really understand a situation, so having those handy can help your case.

 

If you think that you and your siblings will have a difficult time coming to an agreement regarding your parent’s care situation, consider having an elder care mediator present during your meeting. According to Five Star Senior Living, sometimes the mediator is an elder care attorney or therapist. They may be able to step in to keep conflicts from getting heated.

 

The mediator can also help ensure everyone has a chance to speak. Most importantly, the mediator will make sure everyone remains focused on the goal: To provide your aging parents with the best care and the best lifestyle possible in their senior years. A mediator won’t tell you what to do, but they will help you and your siblings to reach an agreement.

 

Hopefully, you can use some of these tips to help you approach your siblings about your parent’s health. Now, let’s move on to our final section, which is communication tactics you should use when talking to your siblings.

 

AgingCare suggests that first, we must take a good, hard look at ourselves and consider two tough questions when it comes to our siblings: One: Have you asked for help directly? and two: Have you made specific requests of them? When you answer these questions to yourself, you can then use your own answers, in turn, to help you decide where to start with your siblings. If you have yet to ask specific requests of your siblings, you now know that is an option.

 

Before talking with your siblings, make a list of everything you want to tell and ask them to make sure you don’t forget what you want to talk to them about. It’s also a good idea to make a list of things you notice while taking care of your aging parents.

 

Care is continuous, so it’s important to keep updating your family about your parents, their health, and any help you are in need of. Sending out weekly emails or texts is an easy way to keep your siblings in the loop. You can even ask one of your siblings to update the rest of the family for you in order to take some of the caregiving burden from you.

 

One of the most important tips we can give you today is that it is okay to take a break. If the conversation is becoming too tense, take a short break and let everyone relax for a bit. Having some time to reflect on what’s been said, or even vent to someone not involved in the situation, can help everyone come back a little more refreshed and able to see things from a new perspective.

 

Caring for a loved one is difficult and so is coming to terms with the new reality that your parent is no longer in good health and will not be around for too much longer. Just remember that your siblings are likely processing this information and they may need some time to adjust to a new normal, but they also just want what is best for your loved ones.

 

We want to say thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate these long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

 

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Join us next time on All Home Care Matters where we welcome Bill Cohen. Bill was a caregiver for his mother and turned that experience into a career of helping other Caregivers and families. This is an informative and helpful interview that you won’t want to miss.

 

Sources:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/siblings-in-denial-about-elderly-parents-health-140800.htm

 

https://arborsassistedliving.com/how-to-deal-with-siblings-in-denial-about-parents-needing-help/

 

https://www.fivestarseniorliving.com/blog-post/how-to-talk-with-siblings-about-senior-care-for-a-parent

 

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/family-disputes