What Our Anger Teaches Us (Harriet Lerner, Ph.D)

Pulling The Thread with Elise Loehnen

Lemonada Media

Education, Self-improvement

4.8 • 1.2K Ratings

🗓️ 4 November 2021

⏱️ 59 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

“I think it's very important to mention also, Elise, that even if a woman feels permission to be angry, that anger is such a tricky mischievous emotion that it's so difficult to know what our anger means or what to do with it. So we may know that we’re angry and anger activates us to, to act, to take a position, to do something, but our anger does not tell us what the real issue is, who is responsible for what, what is the best way to proceed with our anger…” So says psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Lerner. Lerner is known and beloved for her many best-selling books about women, family systems, and relationships, including the classic Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, which we explore in today's episode. Lerner believes that anger is an essential, but oftentimes misunderstood and mismanaged emotion. She set out to write Dance of Anger to tackle female anger specifically, of which nothing had been written at that time. When women are discouraged from discussing their anger, she tells us, they lose a sense of self, as the pain of our anger preserves our dignity. We discuss the stereotype of the unloving, unlovable, and destructive angry woman, and the way in which female anger is only deemed acceptable when it is on the behalf of others. Lerner leaves us with tips for beginning to work through our anger productively, starting with moving toward assertive self-definition without asking for permission, and ultimately becoming careful observers of our own role in the patterns that keep us stuck in anger so that we may make positive, lasting change on our own behalf. EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS: The importance of anger…(5:25) Are you a nice lady or a bitch…(9:00) Working through anger productively…(21:40) Moving towards self definition…(36:36) MORE FROM HARRIET LERNER: Harriet Lerner's Website The Dance Of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Pattern of Intimate Relationships The Dance Of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate The Dance Of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships The Dance Of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self The Dance Of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hi friends. Throughout this holiday season, you will find me right here per normal. We will keep
0:06.6	publishing new episodes every week and a few solos thrown in as well. So when you just need to escape
0:14.2	from the business of the holiday shuffle or take a break from mom or dad or who knows who,
0:19.8	we'll be here as we always are.
0:26.8	Hi, it's Elise Loonen, host of pulling the thread.
0:34.4	I'm an author, a podcast host, and parent who built a long career in media. I grew up
0:39.4	in a state of perpetual curiosity, investigating the world and asking a lot of questions. In this show,
0:46.3	I chat with culture-defining leaders, thinkers, and experts about this rare moment that we find
0:51.6	ourselves in and how to think about our own lives and experiences
0:55.0	within a larger social and spiritual construct.
0:59.3	I think it's very important to mention also at least that even if a woman feels permission to be angry,
1:10.7	that it is anger is such a tricky, mischievous emotion, that it's so
1:20.9	difficult to know what our anger means or what to do with it. So we may know that we're angry and anger activates us to
1:32.8	act, you know, to take a position to do something. But our anger does not tell us what the real
1:42.7	issue is, who's responsible for what, what is the best way to proceed
1:49.4	with our anger. So says psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Lerner. Lerner is known and beloved for her
1:56.2	many best-selling books about women, family systems, and relationships, including the classic
2:01.1	Dance of Anger, a woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships, which we
2:06.4	explore in today's episode. This book is foundational and something that many of the women I adore
2:12.8	and love cite as a book that turned on the lights for their own excavation of their insides.
2:20.7	Lerner believes that anger is an essential but oftentimes misunderstood and mismanaged emotion.
2:26.8	She set out to write dance of anger to tackle female anger specifically of which nothing
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