What Does It Mean to Be a Kept Woman?

Modern Love

The New York Times

Society & Culture, Nyt, Nytimes, Loss, Redemption, Storytelling, New York Times, Love, Essay

4.3 • 9K Ratings

🗓️ 18 October 2023

⏱️ 27 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Deanna Fei did not need a man. She was in her 20s, living in Shanghai on a Fulbright scholarship, writing her first novel: a book about fiercely independent Chinese women, very much like Deanna herself. Growing up as a first-generation Chinese American, Deanna resented the way some men, specifically white men, looked down on her. She refused to be anyone’s fetish. By the time she arrived in Shanghai, she had sworn off dating white men all together. But then, Deanna met a man: an older, successful white man, who offered to provide for her as she pursued her dreams. Was Deanna betraying herself, once she started falling in love with him?

Transcript

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0:00.0	From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.
0:18.6	This is Modern Love.
0:21.1	As I've gotten older, I've started talking more and more with my mom about her life and
0:25.6	about her relationship with my dad.
0:28.4	One thing she's opened up about recently is how complicated it's been to build their
0:32.8	life together.
0:34.6	My mom is Chinese, first-generation American, and my dad is a good old Irish Catholic
0:39.7	boy from Pittsburgh.
0:41.2	Still, they made a choice to be with each other.
0:44.9	And over 32 years of marriage, they figured some of this stuff out, but there's still lots
0:49.9	they wrestle with.
0:52.1	That's why I'm so drawn to today's essay.
0:55.5	DNFA is Chinese-American, and when a white guy fell for her, she, just like my mom, had
1:02.8	to ask herself, was there connection strong enough to work through their differences?
1:13.0	DNFA, I've so been looking forward to this conversation.
1:16.1	Welcome to Modern Love.
1:17.2	Thank you so much for having me.
1:19.3	So your Modern Love essay is full of these vivid scenes of you in your 20s, living in
1:24.7	Shanghai, and it begins with you and your boyfriend on a date pretty early on in your
1:29.7	relationship.
1:30.7	It's a beautiful night in the French Quarter of Shanghai, but then something happens that
1:35.3	really throws you.
	...

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