What crazy, self-own did a patient try to pretend wasn't their fault?

An elder wand replica, as in the elder wand from Harry Potter.

It was jammed right up their rear end.

I really had to resist asking whether they'd tried Aki-O-Wond.

I used to work psych, and we had this regular patient who we all knew quite well. Schizophrenia,

paranoid kind of thing. He was always complaining about spider eggs in his brain. One time, upon

admission, he complained that his butt was hurting because he sent a rat up there to retrieve a

message. Of course, no one believed him, but we had to check anyway. Sure enough,

there was a rat tail hanging out of his rectum. The patient's biggest concern was that he got

the important message from the rat, who was, of course, dead and also nonverbal regardless,

we presume. On Thanksgiving, I had a pain almost literally inside my butt, but more towards my perineum.

Ingrown hair, abscess kind of thing. I went to the ER since it was a holiday and I could hardly sit.

When they asked what the issue was and where it was located, I said, in a sensitive area.

When they pressed further, I said, my perinium.

Oh, the nurse replied, you mean you taint. We all had a good

laugh and I had my taint lanced. A patient very hesitant with what was actually up, so went in for an

x-ray. Unmistakable shape of a Barbie doll right up his butt. So, emergency surgery and it's removed. He came to

and saw his wife at his bedside. He panicked and when she went to the ladies, he asked the nurses

not to tell her what's happened. She comes back in and one of the nurses brings back the

crap smeared Barbie doll in a small plastic bag. His wife glares at him. I once saw a high school

aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was using it to reach an itch.

Apparently, the itch was in his spleen because that thing was deep. His mom told me the story

...