But when you try and fix your wife, you turn her into a project, not a person. You immediately start objectifying her. Every man on the planet has been taught that emotions aren't safe. In high school, my football coach would be like, suck it up, pussy. Yeah. When we hold emotions inside, they come out sideways. You actually represent a threat to her nervous system, like 100%. So when you raise your voice, she may be hearing the content of what you say, but her nervous system is saying, I'm not safe.

Our nervous system has returned to baseline and we actually are fine. Hers is not. You might want to have intimacy with your wife and she says no for no real reason and it's hard to understand as a man.

My wife told me that there was times where I was sexually manipulative,

and we had sex, and she didn't want to.

She told me she would disassociate during sex

because I was so not present that she would become not present,

and she reacted to me not being there by also leaving the space.

Containment brought to me the work I needed to do.

You will cure childhood trauma.

You will break ancestral chains in such a way

that there will be a before and an after.

As men, we need to understand

that if there's chaos,

we can be the man who walks into the storm,

takes a deep breath, and calms it.

The most contained man in history, do you know who he is?

What is masculine containment, essentially? What is that?

So when you think of peace, what I hear is safety.

And being a safe person first before anything else brings a tremendous amount of peace into your life.

And I know this because I've been an unsafe person, you know, and for most of my life,

I wasn't safe. I wasn't like I am now. I didn't have the same understanding of who I am.

And so I felt like most of my life I had to be a warrior. and I carried a sword and used it all the time.

...