Welcome to the waves, Slate's podcast about gender, feminism, and openly talking about postpartum depression. Yes, it's more than the baby blues. Every episode you get a new host to talk about

the thing we can't get off our minds and today you've got me, Shaina Roth, a senior producer at

Slate including for the Waves.

I really, really wanted my kid.

If you've listened to our award-winning Waves episode on IVF,

you know it took work for me to get pregnant, but all the wanting and the trying and the shots and the years and years of effort couldn't stave off my postpartum depression.

I was lucky in that I was kind of ready for it

in that abstract sort of way that you can be prepared

for something you honestly refuse to meaningfully look into ahead of time.

I was aware of what it was. I was aware that I would likely have it because I've dealt

with anxiety and depression most of my life. But the truth is there's no real

preparing for it. It's difficult for everyone, but for me there was no way to

emotionally get myself ready for the feeling of total and complete inadequacy.

The inability to snuggle with my baby because I felt like I always had to be doing something. The overwhelming belief that if

I just left, they would be much better off without me. I look back on my daughter's first few months with a lot of regret of

wishing I had enjoyed it more with shame that I didn't soak it all in like so many

people tell you to do when you have a new baby.

But like I said, I was still very lucky.

Early on, I got a therapist.

I have a very understanding husband who is always taking on more than his share of child work.

A lot of women, they aren't as lucky as I was and there are women who experience something

even worse than postpartum depression, something that can be deadly. It's called postpartum

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