What I've dedicated my life to is revenge. A brand new drama based on the best-selling novel. They think they're better than us. Who do you think you are? I'm going to prove to them that they're wrong. She's punishing me. You destroyed my family. I will not rest until I've destroyed yours. A woman of substance on Channel 4 starts tonight at 9.

I'm Ashley. And I'm Lacey. And this is United States of Murders' very own. Wacky Wednesday.

Wacky 154.

I'm going to start this by asking a question.

This is not the poll question.

But we were just talking about how bloated I am.

Who else is bloated?

Me always.

That's not the question.

I came back from lunch today. And I'm telling the girls in the office, I was like, I feel like a bird who ate rice.

And they're like, what do you mean?

And I'm like, ha, ha, ha, I think I'm the funniest thing ever.

And I'm like, you know how you're not, we had to stop

throwing bird seed after weddings because the birds or rice throwing dried. Or I'm sorry,

rice. We couldn't throw rice anymore because the birds and their bellies like it, they would

like die. And they thought I was crazy. They had never heard of this. And I said, that's why

we started throwing bird seed or blowing bubbles.

Or sparklers.

Sparklers, because the rice was bad for birds.

Never heard of it in their life.

They Google it because they think I'm crazy because I'm always coming up with shit that

my grandma said or whatever.

...